This spring was my first experience going through the commencement season on a college campus as an administrative faculty member. I learned that I had to pace myself from the standpoints of emotional use, time expended, and physical stamina. Watching students and their families and supporters live out the experiences reminded me of my own family and the educational pursuits that began with my parents and drove my siblings and me to follow my parents to the world of advanced degrees.
I was raised in Montgomery, Alabama by Charles and Lola Cooper. They were both 1st generation college students. They grew up in rural Alabama. They taught me that the smartest people are generally not those who have the most book sense, but those who act sensibly and act like they got good common sense. Let the church say Amen.
I was the keynote speaker at the Black Graduate Celebration on commencement eve and I didn’t talk about the grandness of the students checking the boxes necessary to earn their degrees from an excellent Tier I research institution. I didn’t talk about this being the beginning of a new chapter in their lives. I addressed them with a message that represented the excellent parent that I am. I needed each of them to move forward with their dreams and passions like a person with good sense.
My selfish goal was that they leave the celebration and never forget the message I delivered Thursday evening. In my role as the assistant dean of student conduct on our campus, I tell students daily that their conduct matters. Conduct matters in every phase and aspect of life. So, my message to the students came rooted in the lessons related to acting like you got good sense. I shared with them lessons given to me by the good southern folks who raised me.
My mother was 1 of 10 children raised on a farm by Jodie and Mary (who we called Mama Love). My dad’s father, who he never met until he was a teenager, was a blue collar laborer and my dad’s mother, Big Mama, was a Pentecostal evangelist. Oh glory! She believed that any game played with dice or cards was a sin. That short, plentiful woman taught me to say Yes Ma’am, No Ma’am, Yes um and No um to ALL adults. This west coast mess of calling grown people by their first names without titles is taking some getting used to. Every time I hear it, my insides tremor and I clinch my teeth; it’s like nails on a chalkboard to my countrified ears. I smile and bear it because I’m not down south anymore, but it is shocking every time it happens in my presence.
My parents taught me the value of community and being an excellent villager for everyone in my space. The basic lessons taught by my parents will enable a person to have much success in life (or at least be able to sleep at night and make peace with yourself). My parents left me with a lot more than seven rules, but in the interest of time I limited my message to seven. I also knew that I needed to limit my time so as not to cause the young women with hairdos that costs them in time or money or both to sweat out their dos.
- Rule #1
My daddy said “your rights end where the next person’s rights begin.” And that is some profound ish right there. He always said things to make me think. This made me think about his statement when my mother asked him to set my curfew when I was in high school. He said, “Kim is a lady and she knows when a lady should be home.” What?! Was he kidding me? Nope. He wasn’t. My father often gave me reasons to ponder over his wise sayings and well-timed questions to weigh the my choices and the consequences of my actions.
Rule #2
Treat everyone like you wish to be treated, especially the folks who cook and clean for you. My daddy said take good care of them because they know EVERYTHING. Believe me they do and they will help you and save your butt or give you extra helpings of your favorite foods if they know you value them. Just saying.
- Rule #3
Don’t become the people you don’t like. He gave me that bit of advice when I met with racism as an undergraduate student and I tried to blame all white people for some mean-spirited comments of a few. My father taught me not to behave with the limited mindset of others or to allow their ignorance and limited thoughts to limit my thinking and my ability to achieve at a high level. Nobody has time to be weighted down by ignorance, limited thinking, or hatred. Thank goodness for that lesson!
- Rule #4
My mama said “Don’t be jealous of other people and what they have because you don’t know what they had to do to get it.” Her caveat was “If you put your problems on a clothesline with everybody else’s problem, you will go back and get your own.” She was so right. There are many times when I start the pity party or the discussion about how the heck some people have what they have and I remember her comment. Generally, I realize that I would never want all that was associated with attaining the thing or that which must be done to maintain possession of the thing.
- Rule #5
Leave every situation better than how you found it. Mama used to remind me of this rule whenever we spent time at someone else’s house whether we were there for dinner or spending the night. She would say clean up behind yourself and offer to help the host/hostess. Although she generally said this with regard to taking good care of other people’s things, the rule applies to every situation in your life whether personal or professional.
- Rule #6
When I made a decision to change my major from engineering to English and apply to law school, I told my dad I was doing so because I wanted to change the world. He said, “Baby, you might not change the world, but you can change the place in which you find yourself.” It is my goal and should be your goal daily to change someone’s world every day.
- Rule #7
Be yourself because you won’t be that good at being anyone else. Own your history and trust your story and experiences to guide you to a place that welcomes the unique you. I have felt like a square being forced into a round hole for most of my personal and professional life. As a result, I did not make good government worker and I struggled in other environments with feeling welcomed by others with whom I was forced to spend my time. I have learned that every experience since college made me uniquely prepared for the experiences that followed and that all of my sacrifices have been rewarded with a realization of an environment where I am perfectly suited to exist. My work with young people every day is a perfect marriage of the two elements of my passion wheel: parenting and the law.
I challenged the students and their supporters to fill in the blanks for their “I am…” statements. I asked them to figure out who they are so that they can find work that encourages and supports a person with their unique design.
Additionally, I challenged the students and supporters to fill in the blanks for their “I love…” statements. I asked them to figure what they love so that their endeavors and choices about their career fields lead them to fulfilling experiences. I want them to get up every day excited about their work even if they aren’t so excited about the amount of money they make.
Each of us was “fearfully and wonderfully made” by the Creator. Each person was uniquely gifted to bless the world. We were each gifted so that we could bless others with passionate expressions using the resources we possess.
Define who you are. Define what you love and have a passion for doing. Then, be that and do that like you have good sense!