There’s much talk about having a seat at the table in corporate America and in higher education. I have learned that some want that seat because they have a desire to serve a broader range of constituents. Those people have a vision of collaboration that influences cultural norms and policies that improve the environment and holistic wellbeing of all invested members of the organization or institution. Others pursue that seat in an effort to control the community dialogue with the objective of a directional shift of the narrative sharply on a new course. Finally, I have encountered that seat chaser who just revels in the sense of accomplishment and perceived power that comes with rising to a higher step on the proverbial ladder.

Regardless of the motive or the journey to that seat, some things become your reality when you take ownership of that seat:

1. There is an expectation that you will find a way to work within the current policies to accomplish the mission and vision of the organization.
2. The team will be more productive when you willingly contribute to skill sets that compliment the whole and donate information you learned through prior training or life experiences in pursuit of the mission, values, and goals of the group.
3. Bring a spirit of servitude that enables you to equally be comfortable taking direction from others and taking ownership of your role as leader, when needed.
4. Stay thirsty for development and hungry for knowledge. In your wisdom, you will find strength to operate with a sense of urgency to get the team closer to the fulfillment of at least one goal.
5. Flexibility is key when you sit in “that seat.” Stay up on your neck stretches so that you can move your head back and forth as if to say, “Oh, I see. What an interesting concept.” On the other hand, make your eyes and eyebrows less mobile at the table. Eye rolling and involuntary raising of eyebrows may prohibit you from obtaining intel that may be valuable in your work. The same is true for too much jaw flapping. You will need to exercise your mental capacity and heart string in order to hear the potential harnessed within the words spoken by those with differing viewpoints who sit at the table. You will need controlled pliability to gauge when there are irreconcilable difference and when those difference of belief or interpretation can be reconciled in a manner that respects the integrity of the shared philosophy.

In the last six months, I learned that seat I sought at a leadership table. Every week, I have moments that consume me with gratitude. There are other moments that use my shoulders as the foundation for a wall of sandbags being dropped one at a time in anticipation of rushing flood waters. This week the price paid for sitting in that seat was an expenditure of mental energy as well as human and other capital. That seat has been life altering for me, personally and professionally, teaching me to take breaks from the table. This week I learned that when you do too much sitting it can result in tight hamstrings and foot cramps. Therefore, when you earn that seat at the table, don’t forget to stretch!

My daddy used to say, “Just keep living.”  In general, he said that when something would happen to elicit a response of shock, surprise, or awe.  As much as I have tried to plan the details of my life and script the next moves, life with determination and zeal brought unexpected events that altered the course of my life.  It was interesting that as I reflected on unexpected life occurrences my mind immediately revisited the negative things.  More specifically, I immediately considered the losses of people I love and separations from communities that fed me in some way.  I wondered if I was the only one whose mind gravitated toward loss before reflecting on changes with positive implications or outcomes.

About six months ago, I expected to change positions at work.  I knew that the new position would bring with it new demands on my time, a different tempo, and an expansion of my village building vision.  As a result of the anticipated adjustments, I welcomed the transition period that included the coaching of my former supervisor.  I quickly learned that not even the training period under the leadership of a seasoned, competent teacher could shield me from the shock of the unexpected things to come.  This awesomely positive career move shook my normal into chaos and long work days.  Some of the chaos was of the “drinking from the firehose” variety due to the nature of the work.  Other aspects of the chaos came courtesy of my internal confusion and heightened excitement about the new opportunity.  I often felt like the cartoonish Tasmanian devil spinning through spaces flinging the water from the firehose all around.  

In a previous blog post entitled “Six Months” I considered “What will be different about me in six months” after I did not receive a job offer I thought I deserved.  Once again, I have realized how much change was possible within me over a six months period.  This time I learned that in six months there came a settling into the new space and the new feel created by the unexpected, shocking, awe-inspired life changes.  What began six months ago with me adapting to jolts to my professional and personal spaces ended in me trying to decide what made me finally settle into the chaos.  Part of me thought that maybe I settled because I got tired of feeling unsettled and confused.  Another thought was that I settled because I grew accustomed to the new cadence.  Finally, I rationalized that settling meant an ownership of the change and me embracing my capacity to manage my vision in the newly created spaces.  Honestly, I am not sure if it was one of my theories or a combination of two or three that enabled me to “turn the corner” from maddening chaos to a more controlled version of chaotic normalcy.  If you are like me, gaining some control in a chaotic moment equalled a victory.

I wondered if this feeling of accomplishment, the pleasure of overcoming the challenges, fit the definition of “letting the game come to you” or not. I thought of this like the moment there was a break in the terrible cold that made you forget what it was like to breathe freely until the break happened.  Thankfully, intermittent breaks in chaos do present.  During the breaks, I breathe without reminding myself to breathe.  In life and in leadership, each challenge overcome becomes a step for the next challenge. For that reason, breathing is imperative because it opens the door for calm and clarity.  Without fellowship with calmness and clarity, your grasp of control could be delayed.  The small victories are blessing that gift the challenged logical thoughts, positive perceptions of confusing times, hopeful projections for future endeavors.  As challenges arise in your life, be aware of the lessons you can learn about yourself and your mission while you endure the moments.  Finally, be mindful of the temporal nature of the challenges and be sure that you have a six month goal set in anticipation of your successful navigation of the chaos. 

Last week proved to be a long week and the week coming will likely be a version of the last.  I decided that a  laugh might help us all.  Sharing my experiences related to me getting sidetracked and forgetting things also will normalize my behaviors.  Hopefully, you will feel more “normal” too.

Just saying out loud that becoming “normal” is a goal made me think about the spectrum that defines “normal.”  The boundaries of the spectrum are somehow mysteriously established by the folks in the given community.  Meeting the standard for normal has always seemed pretty subjective.  As I reflect, I came to think that there has been an internal gauge or communal checklist to determine normalcy.  In some communities, the standard has been near perfection or some unrealistic expectation that other folks believe they are meeting.  In other settings, the standard has been described as fitting in or a natural connection.  I have failed at being perfect which has been the reason that many young people find me relatable.  I have failed at hiding my imperfections because I generally talk about them and ask people to fill the gaps for me.  For these reasons, I find that I don’t always “fit” into the established spectrum of “normal.”  I have also been told that visionaries and artist often fall somewhere outside of the lines of what others see as “normal,” but that is a discussion for another day.  I have learned that my transparency has connected me to young people who appreciate grown folks being less pretentious and judgmental which benefits me in my work.  In addition to talking about my shortcomings, I laugh and shake my head at myself when I behave like an absent-minded professor, forget things, lose things in plain site and absolutely just act “normal.”

Remembering that you are “normal” humbles the spirit and makes other “normal” people appreciate you.  This tale of my lost keys definitely made my staff believe I was human and it may go down in history as one of my funniest self-induce challenges.  So, here goes.

My supervisor arranged for he and I to present at late afternoon orientation sessions this summer.  By the time the sessions ended and all of the parent questions answered, it would be five o’clock and my office would be closed.  It was common for at least one thoughtful person in the office (who remains on my list of needed handlers) to send me a text to say everyone was gone.  She wanted me to know that she was the last to leave.  She also wanted to know if I had my keys for the office.  In addition, she wrote in the text that she would be headed to her car, but she would come back to the office to open the door if I didn’t have my keys.  I replied that I would stop and check my purse for the office keys and let her know.  As I approached the office building, I stopped and propped my purse on the back of a bench and starting digging through pockets and rearranging things in search of the keys.  About that time, my friend and handler called.  With stress, frustration, and confusion in my voice, I told her that I couldn’t find them, but I thought that I could get into the building since the cleaning crew was on site.

I walked up to the building and looked into the glass door on the north side of the building.  I saw the after hours cleaning crew standing in the hallway.  I knocked, a nice gentleman smile in recognition of my face and he let me into the building.  I told him that I couldn’t find my keys so he escorted me downstairs and unlocked my office door for me.  I was grateful, but still concerned.  Once I got into my office, it was clear that my keys were nowhere to be found.  My keys were on a keyring that said “Breathe” to remind me to breathe because I sometimes forget to breathe.  My colleague showed up, as promised, and began the mental exercise of walking me through all of the possible places I might have left the keys.  I told her that I had already called the student union to ask the students to search the two rooms in which I gave presentations.  I also sent a text to the orientation staff asking them to check their lost and found.  I had no luck.

So, we unpacked my purse. We looked through the desk drawers.  We went into the file room, the building kitchen, the bathroom, and other offices in my department.  No luck.  My colleague had done her good deed and needed to hurry off to an evening meeting.  So, she left and I sat sighing and worrying that my keys had been stolen or that they were playing a not-so-funny game of hide and seek.  It was now about six o’clock and I was fixated on the missing keys.  I was not checking in with anyone and honestly not concerned about anything else at that moment.

My cell phone rang.  It was my husband calling to see if I was ready to leave campus.  He dropped me off at work that morning so he knew that I needed a ride home.  I told him about the mystery of the lost keys that had become my challenge.  He sensed the concern in my voice and said that he was on his way to pick me up (and help me find the keys).  When he arrived, he not only heard the concern in my voice, but he could see the concern on my face.  He began to unpack my purse.  Finding nothing, he walked through the office and the floor.  In the meantime, I sent a text message to my supervisor saying that I needed to speak to him.  I finally decided that I would have to call him and let him know that I lost my keys.  It was awful.  I was supposed to be very responsible.  And at that moment, I felt very responsible for the building and all of the items within the building.  How could I say out loud that I misplaced my keys?  Well, I was the leader so I had to own my stuff so I sent the dreaded text message to my supervisor.  I had done everything short of put out an all points bulletin with the university police to find the stupid keys so I had to give notice and start figuring out the security plan.

When my husband completed his walk through he said, “This doesn’t make sense, you never leave your keys anywhere.” I replied, “Yeah, I know.  This is weird.  I’m gonna have to spend the night in this building to protect everybody’s things until I figure out where I left my keys.”  He wanted to leave, get some dinner, and then return for another walk through. I resisted and declined.  He asked me to tell him exactly where I was and what I was doing when I last saw the keys.  I was pretty sure that had already gone through that mental exercise with my friend and handler earlier, but I thought what do I have to lose repeating that process.  Since I remembered using the keys to open the office door early afternoon, he said start there and see where that takes you.

I went to the door and stood there as if I just came in from the meeting across the lake.  Next, I walked to my office desk to put down my bag and grab a folder with documents that I had to sign and deliver upstairs.  I remembered that I needed to stop in the restroom quickly before going to drop off the folder so I walked through the floor looking around at the floor and desk tops as I headed toward the restroom.  I took a few steps into the restroom before turning around to head of the restroom and upstairs to complete my search.  While I was pivoting to turn and exit the restroom, I realized that I had to put the keys someplace to wash my hands because I had no pockets.  Well, I didn’t have “normal” pockets so I remembered my moment of innovation.  I reached to the one “pocket” that never fails – my bra.

I almost wet my pants laughing at myself.  I imagined the responses I would get from the search team if I ever told them the truth about where I put the keys for safekeeping.  I almost didn’t want to walk back into my office.  There was no way I could not tell at least two people the truth because they invested so much in the search.  I also knew they wouldn’t believe the keys just appeared in my hand.

I told my husband first and the “I told you so” followed the laughter and chuckles.  He also had all sorts of random jokey comments.  I sent text messages asking those who were searching to stand down.  I sent a text to my supervisor to disregard my previous text.  I also had to send an email to my staff because I emailed all of them asking if anyone had seen my keys.  My email stating that I successfully found my keys said something like “don’t you love it when you hide things in a safe place and can’t find them.”  While I didn’t share with the entire staff how ridiculous and comical of a moment I was experiencing, I had to tell my colleague and handler.  I sent her a couple of text messages.  The first warned her not to laugh out loud in her meeting after reading the next text I would send.  I told her that I found my keys.  Then, I told her where I found them.  The bitmoji’s started coming from her and kept coming.  She and my husband were laughing and giving me grief up until I left the office and during the entire car ride home.  He was talking and laughing.  She was texting and laughing.  Even when she stopped texting, I figured she was still laughing.  I considered how I would avoid discussions about those dang keys so that I wouldn’t have to tell anyone my story.  Well, the story has since been shared a number of times and the deep belly laughs have been a consistent theme.  I hope you got a laugh too.

You may not be able to relate to this story directly, but you may have some other crazy situation you need to normalize.  Have you ever looked for your phone only to find that you are holding it and maybe talking on the phone telling someone how you can’t find the phone?  Have you ever put something in a safe place so that you won’t forget where it is when you need it, then frustrate yourself looking for it?  Have you ever had to think like the toddler in your house to figure out where the kid might have put your keys?  I have done all of those things and you probably have done some version of those things too.  If not, keep living.  If so, good for you for being imperfectly normal!  I hope you will laugh at yourself and share your funny story with me too.

Last year I spent time with campus visitors who were a part of the Nelson Mandela Fellows Program.  The group was comprised of some of the brightest, innovative minds from Africa.  This summer the program returned to our campus and I was fortunate to be asked to engage with the fellows again.  One of the program coordinators told me that the topic of my conversation would be “Sustaining your vision” again this summer.  I thought about how my conversation might differ this year from last year’s conversation. (https://sisterintheshadow.com/sustaining-your-vision/ ) I learned that I grew over the last year because my list of ways to sustain a vision included more suggestions.

Through my journey, I learned that I needed the support of other folks to be “successful.”  In addition to that lesson, I shared the following:

1. Receive the voices of others who believe in your ability to achieve your vision.  I started my blog because someone else told me to do it after she decided that my voice needed to be heard.  After I heard the same sentiment from another lady, I continued to write.  I made more investments of time and resources into the blog after learning from another person or two that my words resonated with them because of the transparency and relevancy to common people.
2. Embrace the constructive criticism and guidance from experts in your field or mentors with demonstrated concern for your professional and personal development.
3. Accept coaching from your mentors and partners in your field.
4. Develop the ability to engage in self-reflection which leads to self-awareness.
5. Do not fear exploring new directions to contribute to the audience that is best suited for your offering.
6. Own your decisions and the outcomes that follow from those choices.  Accountability is key to your success.
7. Work hard to learn something from every experience.  Being the person who knows everything is not attractive and it means you fail at humility.
8. Be humble.  Humility is not demonstrated by telling folks that you are humble, but by doing the thing that you are gifted to do regardless of the reward.  Humble people use their special gift for the benefit of the community simply because the community will be enhanced.
9. Remember the lessons that are foundational in your life.  My lessons were taught by my parents: a. you can make somebody’s world better every day and b. you should leave things better than when you found them.  I work to apply these lessons to my encounters with students or with situations that impact students every day.
10. Find the thing you are passionate about doing and do that thing as often as you can.  I told them to be excited about the trifecta of finding the thing, being allowed to practice that thing, and getting paid to do the thing you love to do.

The responses from the fellows surprised me.  Many fellows commented that my conversation made them feel emotional.  I knew that much of the information I shared was from my heart.  I told a story of my journey that happened to be filled with rides on the figurative emotional rollercoaster.  I pride myself in being an excellent storyteller and their responses confirmed that my stories projected the heartfelt concern that I have for my audiences.  We talked about the loneliness of leadership and the fear that comes with being judged when you become transparent in front of a community, local or global.  Some fellows shared their personal stories of loss of family members while other shared stories of separation from family in their search of a dream they believed would improve the station of their families and their communities.  I enjoyed encouraging one writer to return to blogging on her terms and be encouraged by two other writers who have published more than one book.  I think was all agreed that there was benefit to living out our passions for the benefits of our communities even if we found only one person who benefits from our work.  I hope that each member of my audience will use one or more of these tools to sustain a vision.

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The interview process varies from industry to industry and from organization to organization even within the same industry. While there are some differences, there are many commonalities.  This week I attended a workshop in which we were asked to sit in assigned seats at round table.  Each small group was instructed throughout the workshop to read a prompt and engage in conversations responsive to the prompts.  I thought the topics of the prompts insightful dialogue in my group that might benefit folks outside of that space.  The workshop inspired me to write this blog post.

One of the prompts asked those of us who have served as hiring managers in the past to explain to our colleagues what things were most important to us when we considered hiring a person for a vacant position.  I told the group about being disappointed when candidates did the following:

1. Expressed a greater interest in the city or region than the position itself.  In general, those candidates also engage the community members who participated in the process in conversations related to a plethora of topics, none of which directly related to job description.  As a hiring manager, I wanted to believe that the candidates in the process were passionate about the work and the opportunities to serve the community, especially the students, at a high level of professionalism and integrity.
2. Failed to the requirements of the job when asked direct questions related to the position or when given opportunities to ask questions of community members.  We talked about how a lack of commitment or passion for the tasks and responsibilities needed to successfully perform the job might influence hiring decisions.  Even if the personalities and specific skill sets of the employees varied, the job description remained the same.  The consensus was that there was generally a greater likelihood that a candidate without demonstrated passion, commitment, and purpose for a job would not have a high degree of job satisfaction or tolerance in the work environment.

Another question asked was what questions do you ask during an interview and why?  I said that one of my favorite questions was not a question.  It was a statement.  I asked candidates to “Tell me about your favorite boss or supervisor.”  Over the years, I have enjoyed watching candidates comb through their mental files to identify their best boss or supervisor.  The candidates were asked to also explain how that person enhanced them personally and professionally.  Most often, once a candidate has identified the favorite leader a smile emerges.  The candidates described their favorite supervisors or bosses as supportive, flexible, considerate, respectful of their professional abilities, respectful of their personal lives, and encouraging.  Sometimes the responses revealed other characteristics of the candidate or their prior work environment sometimes added to the considerations factored into making the ultimate hiring decision.

In discussing favorite bosses, I thought of my favorite bosses.  There were two who came to mind.  The first served as my division chief and he called me “Mrs. Thomas” most of time.  He stood about 6’3.”  His voice was somewhere between a tenor and a baritone when he sort of sang my name in long syllables when he acknowledged me: “/Mizzes Tom mus/.”  He always wore suits with coordinated ties, cuff links, handkerchiefs, and polished shoes.  He only governed with a few rules.  The department proved to be an efficient and productive department.  Less was more and most of the staff respected his mantras that reminded us that we “didn’t have to make a lot of noise to get the job done.”  His leadership style promoted the use of analytical curiosities to learn and evaluate the facts of each case. His rules suited my style because I was permitted to work independently and demonstrate that I was capable of using good judgment in case management.

My reflective moment also reminded me of my most recent supervisor who led with kindness, composure, humor, and wisdom.  Our relationship began with doubt and a lack of trust on my part.  He never said if he had any expectations of me or opinions about me when he met me and I never asked.  Despite my suspicions, I shared my frustrations with what felt to me like a stagnant professional journey.  I told him about my confusion about my professional trek and my need for someone to tell me what I needed to do to better prepare myself for senior leadership.  I don’t think he ever expected that type of brutal honesty, but he respected me for my willingness to allow him a peek into the staff member he would supervise for a determined period.  In my mind, our relationship challenged me because I had coach him through some of his job responsibilities and provide intel about the culture of certain teams.  I felt like the student and the teacher some days.  I recognized that he had a level of maturity and experience in the field that benefited me if he understood things sooner than later.  It behooved me to be an excellent follower focused on learning from a master.  His mastery of many things became a model for excellence in servant leadership.  He taught me that “Heroics have limits” which meant a few things: 1. There was only so much I could do to rectify any situation, 2. I should use my leave and take vacations because pace and recovery extend my life in many ways, and 3. I worked too much and didn’t have enough work-life balance.

Both of my favorite bosses encouraged me to be my authentic, transparent, opinionated self.  Both of them got my wicked and often sarcastic humor.  They protected the spaces during our meetings allowing me to share freely and to ask probing questions.  Their leadership styles affirmed the qualities that others made character flaws.  My favorite bosses were not intimidated by my presence, my professional development, or my determination.  They also praised the compassion, empathy, and integrity that loomed in the midst of the loud social being that is me.  They celebrated my growth and motivated me to build a network of mentors and partners in the local community and the professional community at large.  I have had a some awful bosses, but these two men were awesome.  I work very hard as a leader to be more like them. I can only hope that those under my leadership string together some favorable nouns to describe our relationship other than boss or supervisor.

Hearing candidates recite characteristics in their favorite bosses that promote positivity and productivity gifts me wisdom from their bosses who I may never meet.  I hope that my audience will prepare well for interviews.  The well-prepared candidate should be able to confidently communicate their passion for the work they purport to be the primary reason that they do the work they do every day.  Furthermore, I hope that my audience will seize opportunities to evaluate the type of leader they prefer to lead their departments then apply that standard if they become a supervisor or boss.

In the last six months, I learned some of the benefits of self-awareness.  I learned that it was not enough to be self-aware, but that the awareness had to promote actions specifically targeted at addressing the challenges, limitations, curiosities, or strengths revealed after gaining awareness.

In the last six months, I also learned that self-awareness came natural for me, but appeared to be a skill absent in the lives of man.  I have watched folks spend a great deal of time and energy doing one or more of the following: blaming others, employing guilt or shame tactics toward others, making routine efforts to force others to accept and promote their ideas, and deflecting responsibilities for their circumstances on others.  I decided that their behaviors resulted from an inability or failure to be self-aware.  Again, I realized that self-awareness was not a human characteristic handed out equally by the Almighty.  Self-awareness, in my mind, only became a life skill when a person was given opportunities to practice the skill. My village of parents, close friends, and mentors never allowed me to miss opportunities to consider my efforts or my shortcomings that contributed to my outcomes.  In the last six months, I found myself frustrated by folks whose villagers never trained them in the practice of self-awareness.  Instead of the villager establishing an expectation of self-reflection that leads to self-awareness, the village accepted or created excuses for the apparent lack of preparedness, the lack of production, the lack of execution, or the lack of passion and gratitude for the privilege to stand in the moment.  There appeared to be a lack of curiosity evidenced by resistance to coaching or efforts to delve deeper into purported areas interest or the irritating stench of arrogance that oozed with entitlement.  There was a sort of codependency between the unaware and the enabling villager that led to the need for coddling and protectiveness that ignored the negative impacts of erecting these shields.  The placement of these shields inevitably had a negative impact on the person and the community.  When I got to the crux of the observations, the common thread was a lack of self-awareness.

Here are the things I know now about self-awareness:

1. Self-awareness demands accountability for and ownership of your own mess.
2. Self-awareness derives some type of response after there is ownership of your actions, missteps, or strengths.
3. A self-aware person recognizes that each action or behavior involves a decision and a choice. The person chooses to seek ways to increase their knowledge or find ways to improve their skill sets. The person could also find ways to contribute in a differently to the situation or the person could opt to find ways to avoid any situation that challenges them or exposes blindspots.

As I write this, I am struck with another question: Where is the line between the person absent self-awareness and the person who is self-aware yet chooses passive-aggressive, bullying tactics to cover insecurities?  Hmmm.

That question will inform my work and thoughts this coming week.  I will explore this question with my peers and mentors.  I believe that each of us needs to spend time in self-reflection on a regular basis in order to attain this goal of self-awareness.  I think we each should explore our life circumstances to determine how our behaviors contributed might have to our circumstance.  If it is determined that I didn’t control or contribute to the outcome, I consider whether there was anything I could have done to change my current circumstance for the better.  Sometimes I have found that my situation might have been different if I had done something differently like studied more, chosen my words more carefully, or trusted someone else more skilled in the area than me to contribute.  I learned that self-awareness requires at least two things on a personal level – honesty and fewer actions grounded in prideful, self-centered decisions.

The process of becoming self-aware can give rise to varied emotions that may actually be the reason many folks avoid the realities of self-awareness.  I encourage you to reflect and let others support you in the journey to self-awareness.  I encourage you to find a method of self-reflection that frees you to open up and share your innermost thoughts and possible responses.  I use journaling and my weekly blog posts to self-reflection.  I use conversations with a few family members, a handful of friends, and mentors to evaluate many of my life situations to promote self-awareness.  The journey continues to help me find more comfort in uncomfortable moments.  I have developed more coping skills to enhance my communication skills and my ability to build more meaningful relationships.  I have also experienced personal and professional developmental that reminds me that life learning is a good thing.  I have also overcome fears, insecurities, and limitations because I am courageous enough to reflect and become more self-aware. I hope that more folks, especially those in leadership roles, will choose self-reflection and become more self-aware.