If-Then

Parenting is probably the hardest job I have ever had in my life. I learned during my pregnancies that the little people have minds of their own and free will. That lesson would prove valuable years later as I was reminded that I won’t always be able to control the way they move or the time at which they chose to make adjustments. I still don’t completely understand the whys and hows of the whole process, but I do know that I have loved them and wanted nothing but the best for them since I found out they existed. My goal was always to create a nurturing, safe environment for them that would help them become productive, caring, well-adjusted people.

Just as I suspect that there were some independent forces that led to the movement and adjustments before the babies made their journey to the outside, there are independent forces that influence their lives on the outside. When they are younger, they trust the adults in their world implicitly to explain and define everything. However, around eleven or so those adult figures become the most insanely oppressive, controlling, disconnected people on the planet. Suddenly, the forces of social media and the school yard dominate their minds, seek to manipulate their thinking, and fight to direct their journeys. It is at this time parents hear, “You don’t understand!” or “Why are your so mean to me?” or “I really don’t want to talk to you right now.” or “Why do you keep telling me the same thing over and over again? I heard you the first time.” Recently, I was reminded by a friend of the infamous and dramatic, “I hate you!” I never heard the last one because I think my kids honestly believed that if they went there my eyes would roll back until only the whites were visible, steam would blow from my ears, and my head would spin around.

At some point during this growth phase, I told each of my kids that they did not come with a manual. I have told them that I believe that I make the best decisions for them at the time decisions need to be made and that those decisions are based on the information I have available to me. With a
little comedic whip, but with all seriousness, I let them know that I am scarred and they too will probably say they are scarred later in life. I apologize in advance and promise to help them heal when they figure out how I screwed up. I also tell them that I understand that they have free will to choose who they will trust and believe. I encourage them to use their brains and free will to think logically about the decisions they make regarding who to follow and what to believe. Finally, I tell them that when they consider following, trusting, or believing someone whose message is contrary to mine their thought process should include this if-then statement:

If you find someone who loves you more than I do, someone who has or will sacrifice more for you than I have, or someone who has as much to lose as I do if something happens to you, then you should follow them.

Based on the relationship I have with the two of them now and the fact that they are the coolest young people I know, I don’t think they found that person who loves them more deeply than I do or will sacrifice more for them than I will. Or, maybe they are just smart enough to trick me into believing I am “the real MVP” because they know that I am the keeper of the checkbook.

 

 

“Tops and Bottoms”

In 1996, my mother and father gave my daughter the book “Tops and Bottoms” as adapted and illustrated by Janet Stevens. It has been one of my favorite children’s books since the first time I read it aloud. It is the story of a bear and a hare. A bear who enjoyed rest and relaxation more than he enjoyed labor and a hare with a clever business plan.

Even if the kids you read to don’t crave vegetables after you read this book, they should quickly catch on to the plan that creates a bountiful harvest for Mr. Hare and his family and a not so delectable spread for Mr. Bear. This book comically teaches us that we should carefully listen to the questions and proposals presented to us before making a decision. Secondly, we learn that laziness generally leaves us empty-handed and sour. Thirdly, we learn to pick our partners in any venture very carefully. Finally, the relationship between the bear and the hare teach us not to count on others to do the planting and weeding and then give the harvest to us if we don’t use our brains or our sweat.

This book brought back some really cool and wonderful childhood memories for me which I love to share when I read this story to kids. I’m guessing that my mother probably chose the book because it reminded her of some great memories too. My mother grew up on a farm in rural Alabama. I remember her telling me that when she was younger they grew and raised all that they ate. I can remember her mother had corn and a few other crops on her land when I was younger. My mother probably inherited her green thumb from her parents. She loved gardening. She had beautiful plants in the front yard and every other year or so she would plant some vegetables in the backyard. I don’t remember the names of the plants in the front yard, but I do remember her excitement when she saw tomatoes, okra, and cucumbers growing in the backyard. She also planted greens which I think were turnips because she favored turnips over collards.

I can also remember my dad bringing home peas for us to shell. He would either buy them at an excellent price or tell us that somebody gave them to him because of all the
work he did for the kids in the rural Alabama community where he taught. He would be thrilled to rush into the house with a bushel of peas for us to shell. And yes, I did say a bushel. “Oh yay!,” “Thanks, Dad!” Not! I’m not sure why he thought we would be equally thrilled to shell peas until our fingertips were purple and sore. We (meaning my mom and I and sometimes my sister if she was home, but never my dad) would sit in front of some made-for-television movie with a bowl for the peas and a trashcan for the shells. We would shell peas and talk until the bushel was done. My mom would blanch the peas and freeze them so that we would have fresh vegetables in the winter. I am so glad my parents were smarter than the bear in “Tops and Bottoms.”

 

Hey Ma, you didn’t build a village for me

One day my daughter heard me telling someone that they could survive middle school and high school by creating a village for their kids and her comment to me later was that I never did that for her. I laughed and celebrated my genius because I realized at that moment that her middle school and high school villages operated seamlessly. I asked her why she thought her father and I took a group of adults out to lunch to celebrate her middle school graduation. I reminded her about adult friends who took a special interest in her during middle school and high school. I could see the wheels turning in her head almost like she was quickly surveying the last three or four years and the relationships she and I shared with the folks at the lunch table and at other social events. She recalled family friends, teachers, church members, Young Life leaders, and neighbors who attended her ball games and engaged her in conversations about her life in and out of school settings.

I think it’s cool that she still maintains a relationship with one of her middle school teachers, a high school teacher, and her Young Life leader. I appreciate them enhancing her life in a way that I couldn’t because I was not in the schools daily or hanging out with her socially. I was so thankful that they made themselves available to mentor her and provide guidance on issues related to academic and personal decisions in her formative years. I am thankful now that they are still in the conversation as she approaches college graduation and grown folk decisions.

There are some folks who were extremely involved in our lives when the kids were younger, but now are not so close to us. Many of them I believed would always be villagers for my kids and forever closely tied to my family. I learned, however, that villagers often have a season and that is just fine. I learned to appreciate their time of service and to express my gratitude to them. I find myself listening to people discuss their interests, educational undertakings, hobbies, and travels trying to figure out if there is a connection that might benefit the development of one of my kids. I don’t expect everyone I meet, nor would I want everyone I meet, to have a long term connection to my kids, but many people have areas of giftedness or life experiences that can make the lives of my kids easier and more meaningful. Who wouldn’t want that for their babies?! For example, if your child thinks he/she wants to join the Peace Corps and you meet someone who either joined the Peace Corps or has a friend who did, consider connecting your child with that person. You might also meet someone who has traveled extensively to study and work with international organizations. This person might provide new insights and direction even if their areas of expertise are not exact matches. The goal is to educate your kid and provide exposure to tangible, useful information. The other beautiful thing that happens every time you connect your kid to something the kid says or shows an interest in doing or being your kid knows his/her thoughts and interests matter to you. If the kid’s thoughts
and interests matter to you, the kid knows you really hear his/her passions and care deeply. Your kid loves knowing that you think about them even when you are not with them. So, making beneficial connections for your child creates a win-win situation!

 

Hey Ma, “How was it?”

In 2008, we were in the midst of an election year. I am always interested in the women in the shadows of the men who stand in the light. I guess I have always appreciated the fact that whatever their political beliefs their lives resemble mine and they live in a more public place than I do which I am certain adds to the challenge of managing their personal lives. When I heard that Michele Obama was visiting my town to campaign for her husband who would eventually be elected president, I had to figure out how to make it to the event. I had to find friends to pick my kids up from school and activities in order to free up my schedule and allow me to feed my curiosity.

I was excited about going to hear her speak because I was rooted in student government in high school and college and I love the science of campaigns. I wanted to see what this woman who grew up with modest means in Chicago and graduated from a prestigious undergraduate institution and law school might have to say about why she and her husband should be the next president and first lady. I was impressed with her candor and her regal stature. She was articulate, well-prepared, and warm in her delivery. I thought, hmmm, she seems like a cool lady. My daughter and I have this ongoing list of women who we say could come to a slumber party at our house and just sit around in pajamas and eat cereal with us while we laugh and watch movies. I thought she could come to our slumber party. Part of me still thought, “She’s campaigning. She has to be that nice and cool.”

Well, when the speech was over, people gathered at the red velvet rope that formed a semi-circle around the podium area for a chance to shake her hand. I joined the crowd at the rope for a chance to get a high five or a hand shake or just a head nod and a smile. I was located close to the exit so
I figured she would be hurried out by secret service agents and I would just tell the story of the time I got close to saying hello to a first lady if her husband won the election. When she reached me, I extended my arms to hug her and she hugged me. I told her that I was proud of her and her husband and that I went to law school with hopes of being in politics. She asked, “What happened?” I was shocked that she responded with a question, but I remained cool. I told her that I married a football coach and that everything changed. She asked, “Do you have children?” I answered yes and that I made a decision to stay home with my kids. She said, “Don’t give up on your dream. It will come back to you.” Oh my gosh! I couldn’t believe it! She “saw” me! Yeah, she saw me physically, but she “saw” me at a deeper level. She saw my struggle with a dream denied and a decision to follow and a support my husband to live out the calling on his life that ultimately became my calling. I got back to my car and I cried. Life in the shadows can make you feel invisible and alone. I was overwhelmed that I woman who could have just walked by me with a smile and a nod or given me an “Oh that’s nice” took the time to speak to my soul and encourage me.

I thought, “Isn’t that what we all want in life?” Don’t we just want someone to “see” us, to get us, and to affirm us? Michelle Obama has greeted thousands of people since 2008 and she probably won’t remember me or the sixty-second exchange we shared, but I will. I will not forget that she heard my needy spirit and she listened with the heart of a woman who understood sacrifice and the need to encourage another woman to hold on.

So, the answer to the question my kids asked was that the event was really good and life-altering. I told them my initial impressions of Michelle Obama and about what happened after the speech. As I recall, they thought it was cool that I got that close to her, but the rest of my comments probably went in one ear and out of the other one. Ha! The takeaway for my kids was that no matter how successful you think you are or how high up the proverbial ladder you climb, don’t miss an opportunity to uplift someone in your space because you don’t know how an encouraging word or gesture will positively influence the life of the person on the receiving end. I really believe that the one minute exchange with Mrs. Obama gave me a surge in my energy level and a desire to adjust my goals to fit the situation in which I found myself. Two questions and a comment from one of the busiest women in the world gave me hope to keep working out my dream.

I have a gift of encouragement and I work to encourage people in my space as often as I can. Whether the targets of my efforts believe or not, my goal is always to uplift people in my space, but especially the young people I encounter. The goal is to give them a space that is without judgment, yet abounding in transparent real talk that speaks truth to their souls and respects their intellect. My goal is to help young people and folks who live in the shadows understand that sometimes life doesn’t look like we thought it would which doesn’t make us feel great, but holding on to a goal and massaging it to fit our current situations while press forward is important. I believe that children need grown folks to “see” them and “hear” the cries of their souls for structure, hope, and affirmation. Thank you Michelle Obama for not letting your platform interfere with your ability to “see,” “hear,” and encourage this SisterInTheShadow!

“Rejection is protection”

Lois Greene is an amazing woman! She is a financial evangelist. I had no idea such a person existed. I had the blessing of attending the final day of a two day conference at my church and she was the keynote speaker. I had a lengthy conversation with her about my passions and my struggles. I told her that my past involved some pain, some isolation, and some rejection. I explained that I have been rejected by people after I did something with the intention of being helpful. I have been rejected by people because they think I talk too much, because they thought I talked about them, because I didn’t know how to act like a sophisticated aristocrat, or because I stood up to folks who they held in high esteem. I am a person who will own my stuff if it causes someone else pain or injury if they bring it to my attention. I have learned though that some people just reject what they don’t understand, or what they deem different from them, or those things they can’t control, or things and people that make them face a part of themselves they would rather deny. As I am writing this, I am reminded of what my husband always says, “Don’t you adopt their issues and make their issues yours.” It’s been easier for me to hear his advise than to accept it and move forward without rethinking the situations that I think may have led to moments of rejection. I am a problem solver and I really like to solve the mysteries associated with people and why they think and behave like they do. It is really funny, or not so funny, that I had to have the same discussions with my kids about rejection. It was so easy to tell them all of the reasons why other children might have rejected them: because they were not followers, because they had active parents who would call and check the story, because they may not be willing to do what the other kids liked to do, or because they were the new kids and the other kids just didn’t know them well enough yet. With my game face on, I have given my kids the advice their daddy gave me. However, I hurt for them and for myself because I realized people can be mean, catty, misunderstood, and distant as kids and as adults. It’s painful to be the subject of rejection as a child and it’s painful as an adult.

Lois Greene listened intently to my disappointment in people who I trusted and the confusion clouding my thoughts about what I might have done to produce riffs in relationships. She heard me voice my frustration that there were some situations where the person rejecting me won’t even have a discussion with me about the incident that caused our separation. Honestly, I expected Lois to offer some lengthy words of advice and recommendations on how to repair relationships, but her only words were, “Rejection is protection.” Those words were heavy and made me consider some of the times I was or felt rejected. She was right. The rejection separated me from some situations and people who hindered my growth and development. The rejection made me focus on my passions, goals, and priorities. The rejection my kids suffered saved them from some unhealthy, unsafe, and messy situations. When I left the conference, I immediately called my daughter to share this new insight. She said, “Oh, wow.” We both had an Oprah “Ahha” “moment. What a great lesson and a necessary change of perspective. Her enlightenment gave me cause for much thanksgiving. Thank you, Lois Greene!

 

Safety First

I don’t have little kids anymore, but when I did I took care to use the services of the security team at the mall or the shopping center.  I always tell my kids that you have to live defensively and that means I need to be the example of defensive living even in the parking lot.  Whenever we would go grocery shopping, I would park the car near a cart return station so that I wouldn’t have to go too far from my kids in the car.  In fact, I still use the same practice as often I can at any store where I might need to return a cart.  In addition to being in close proximity of the car, there are usually other people targeting that same station.  The shoppers go there to return carts and employees go there to collect carts and return them to the inside of the store.  The age old rule that “there is safety in numbers” controls even in this situation.

I recall several instances when the kids and I went shopping.  On one occasion, we went to a mall to shop. My kids were very young.  My daughter was about five or six and my son was walking, but in a stroller.  When our shopping excursion was over, it was dark outside.  I knew that I would have to monitor the safety of my children and our purchases as we walked at a short-legged kid pace to the car with my head on a swivel looking for potential danger.  I was concerned about turning my back to the darkness while I put the kids and bags in the car.  So, on this occasion I went to an employee in a mall store nearest my car and asked her to call mall security and have the guy riding around on the bicycle escort me to my car.  I remember him arriving and being a little agitated that I summoned him.  He said, “You really don’t need me.  This mall is pretty safe.”  I asked, “Well if it’s so safe, why are you working?”  I followed the question with a “Thank you for escorting me and my kids safely to the car.”

On another shopping trip, I was alone when the darkness took over the sky.  Instead of asking for mall security, I asked a salesperson to hold my bags at her station which was near the door while I went to retrieve my car.  I walked in the well lit parking lot briskly to my car and drove to the store entrance where she met me with my bags.  She was very kind and understood my concern about being alone and walking with a handbag and lots of bags.

I never want to look like an easy or attractive target.  I also make an effort to employ the services made available to me by the stores and shops that I frequent.  There is a reason they hire security and install cameras.

 

 

Ellen or Oprah?

Love, love, love these women! My bucket list included visits to The Oprah Winfrey Show and The Ellen Show. Thanks to a friend in Indianapolis who got her hands on some tickets I got to the taping of an Oprah show. I was sooo excited to be in the studio. I almost want to say it didn’t count though because the day we visited she had a speaking engagement and couldn’t stay to visit with us afterwards. And, this show was a cooking show and I was fasting. Heck, even if I hadn’t been fasting it wouldn’t have mattered because Gayle made her way to the set to take the food before Oprah could give it away. So much for my plan to ask for forgiveness for cheating on my fast. Shoot, Oprah has made me wish I had a Gayle or better yet just be Gayle for a day or two. There were times over the years when I wanted her wardrobe and her hair. Once I told a beautician I wanted Oprah hair and he said, “Girl, you better get a Oprah wig!” I have always thought she was a creative genius with the ability to massage her guests in such a way that they relax and share any information she seeks. I love to study body language and verbal communication. She is a master of both! Love her!

Well, Ellen’s show is still on my bucket list. Now that I live on the west coast I am one step closer. Well, I am a lot of steps closer since the move from Florida. Haha. I try to see Ellen daily. I have found that laughter makes my soul happy and Ellen makes me laugh a countless number of times during that hour her show is on. I love that she lives her mantra to “Be kind to one another.” I love that she has a diverse guest list and a diverse audience. I am also fan of transparent people and she is that. In addition to the laughs, she dances. Who doesn’t love a woman with a great smile, a sense of humor, and rhythm? Finally, I love her wardrobe. It’s hip, classic, and nicely tailored. The only problem is that I’m probably a little too full figured and a little too tall to take her hand-me-downs. If I could, Lord knows I would. Now, my girl Oprah and I could talk about outfitting my shapely self, but not so sure how cute her things would look on me since I can’t walk in three inch heels.

These ladies are awesome! My daughter and I are fans and we talk about the reasons we love them so much. I have always tried to teach my daughter to respect the talents of other women and pay close attention to those who follow their passions and have hearts of servitude. We love them because they are content with their uniquenesses and confident enough about their abilities and they are not afraid to celebrate other people or surround themselves with strong, competent folks. They are expert communicators whose warmth and influence force sponsors and vendors to recognize that whatever they endorse will be successful. We are most impressed with their ability to continue to live with open hands even though they could just sit back and run their empires and find ways to increase their earnings. They could relax and waddle in their success, but they never could because the calling to serve and impact the masses is too strong. We salute them for answering the call again and again and again.

Now, if Oprah could
just let me sit in her shadow for a few days and if Ellen would let us play a game we would call, “How to help yo mama pay off your student loan debt before she is old and more gray,” life would be super fabulous. Hey, we can dream can’t we? We learned that from Oprah and Ellen too.:)

 

 

“Pretty is as pretty does.”

My mother used to say, “Pretty is as pretty does.” She would remind me that beauty will be reflected in a person’s behavior. There are some moments she would have really been proud of in my life and I have had my share of not so flattering moments. I have shared this lesson with my kids and I can say that, in general, their behavior is pretty good and that they became experts at monitoring my behavior.

“Princess Penelope’s Parrot” by Helen Lester beautifully illustrates
how wealth, cute clothes, luxurious items, and showy behaviors don’t make you more special or more appealing if you don’t communicate with people with kindness and sincerity. This book drives home the point that behavior is a reflection of one’s inner beauty. When we meet Princess Penelope she is celebrating her birthday in her castle and making a grand effort to ensure that everyone knows she should be revered because of her title. I have read this book to many elementary school children and asked them after hearing the story to describe this little princess. They use words like bossy, mean, selfish, disrespectful, stingy, and greedy. Moreover, the kids have said that she was an impolite girl with bad manners. No matter the age of the kids or their grade level I was always excited to see that the children didn’t talk about the special gifts she received on her special day. They only saw her behavior. What a great story to teach a lesson on good manners and humility! It also emphasized that Mama was a really smart lady! “Pretty is as pretty does!”

 

“The Little Red Hen”

“The Little Red Hen” is one of my favorite children’s books of all time. The version I read to my kids and many childen in classrooms I have visited was adapted by Donna R. Parnell and illustrated by Deborah Colvin Borgo. Most folks remember the story about the little red hen who found some wheat and wanted to make some bread. In summary, in order to make the bread, she needed to plant the wheat, cut the wheat, and deliver the wheat to the miller for it to be ground. After the wheat was ground, she received a bag of flour which had to be baked into a loaf of bread. Along the bread making journey, she solicited the help of the cat, the dog, and the pig. Neither of them wanted to help with the labor, but when the loaf was warm and fragrant, they all wanted to help her eat the bread.

Based on this story, I gave life to “the little red hen” complex which refers to all who stand or sit around satisfied watching other folks work to perform all of the tasks necessary to reach the desired end. The folks with “the little red hen” complex like to receive all the benefits with none of the work. This refers to the person who wants to reap and not sow. My kids know what I’m talking about when I say, “You got ‘the little red hen’ complex.” I use this phrase when I have to cook dinner and nobody wants to help, but they all are asking, “What’s for dinner?” or “When is dinner gonna be ready?” I feel like my little bird friend when I spend hours shopping for groceries and I have to peel folks away from whatever they are doing to get the groceries out of the car and put away properly in the kitchen.

This story is timeless and the illustrations in the book are bright and full of detail. When
I read it aloud to kids, their responses are always positive and their faces are painted with smiles. I love to teach through tales. Using the morals of these innocent, child-friendly stories gives me a way to remind my kids and others of their responsibility to sew good seeds and put in the work tending their crop so that they can really be satisfied with the goodies they produce.

Where’s Daddy this week?

When my kids were younger, they became accustomed to their dad traveling a lot. A fair amount of travel is expected with college and professional sports. There are teams from all over the country playing every Saturday and Sunday and most likely one of the teams had to travel to the city to reach the stadium. While we watched games on tv we would get a map of the United States and locate the cities where the games took place. I got my husband to add to the excitement by bringing a magnet or some other item from the city he visited so that the kids could learn from his travels. We should have put up a magnetic board in the laundry room or in a kid’s room to keep the refrigerator from looking like a magnetic mess.

The kids would ask, “Where’s daddy going this week?” I would tell them the name of the city and the state. They would find the state, then the city. I would challenge them to also learn the capital cities of each state. This scavenger hunt was also a chance to introduce them
to the surrounding states and the respective capital cities. I was not a geography scholar, so I wanted my kids to be better than me. I wanted them to know a little trivia about each city or state their dad traveled to for work so I bought a user friendly book with facts and nice pictures.

I encourage all families to use sports as a way to teach geography. Our family also extends our learning opportunities by visiting arenas and stadiums when we travel. This teaching method has continued to be an optimal way for us to learn. Just this summer went to Palo Alto, California for a high school football combine. While we were there we visited Stanford’s campus, took pictures, visited shops in the area, and ate in one of the cool restaurants in that community. I wish we had done more international geographical trivia. It certainly would have helped me. So, whether your family loves football, basketball, soccer, race car driving, or rodeos, you can use sports to teach. In addition to learning about the geographical locations, you can teach them about the capitals, the people, the culture of the community, the climate, the state and/or country flags, and the traditions of the locale.