Category Archives: Parenting Tips

Back to School: Tales from my journey (Part 1)

 

Last week my post discussed the start of the football season and what that meant in the lives of coaches’ wives.  Well, football ain’t the only thing kicking off in August.  The start of football season signals the start of school for many kids and families.  Back-to-school for me and my grown children is very different now than the experiences we had when they were younger.  Over the last couple of weeks, I have talked to friends with young ones headed back to school.  Watching them gear up for school and everything that comes with the school year brought back memories of the decisions and the planning families engage in to survive each school year.  What to wear? Which activities? How much will this cost us? Who can pick them up?  Who planned these bus routes?  Too many concerns for one blog post so I will do this in parts.

My kids were four years apart and that turned out to be a good thing for me when it came to scheduling.  It just meant that there was generally no free time in my schedule.  By the time I watched one get on the bus before sunrise it was time to drag the other one out of bed to get to the next bus stop on time.  I think the staggered school schedules worked when they were middle school and high school age because they were old enough to hang out at home or wherever and manage until I could get there.

Recently, I had a discussion with a friend about kids managing at home alone and how you decide when they are old enough to stay home alone.  We agreed that there does come a time when you have to trust them to stay home alone even though you think that they are somewhat immature and prone to spontaneous decision making in ways that make you nervous.  (As a parent of grown children, let me tell you that this phenomenon might present itself over the course of many years so take deep breaths and carry on.)  I praised my friend for the strategic after school plan she developed then I told her about one of my experiences.

When I thought my son was old enough to stay home alone, I tested my theory with a short trip to the grocery store.  I only needed a few items and the store was a fifteen-minute drive from the house, one way.  I figured he would be glued to the television watching a movie or playing video games so my absence wouldn’t be felt.  Before leaving, I gave him a list of things not to do.  I said, “Don’t’ answer the phone unless it’s your dad or me calling.  Don’t open the door for anyone.  Don’t go outside.  And, call me if you need me.”  Then, I reminded him that I was putting the cordless phone right beside him.  The rules seemed straight forward enough.  He affirmed that he understood with a head nod and probably his normal, “I got it, Ma.”

Taking deep breaths, I got into my car, said a little prayer, and headed to the store.  Those who know me well know that I can get a little distracted in stores by whatever the new, bright, shiny thing might be that draws my attention, but not on this shopping trip.  I was super focused.  I arrived at the store and made my way through the aisles at almost an anxious speed shopper pace quickly grabbing the items on my very short list.  I praised myself for staying on task as I got back into the car and headed home.

I arrived back home relieved that I had not received any distress calls and proud that he was not outside shooting baskets in the driveway.  Everything looked good so far.  The creative, impulsive one seemed to have successfully managed his inaugural home alone experience.  I opened the door with my bags in tow and shouted out, “Hey, I’m back.  How’d it go being home alone?”  He said, “Good.”  (Note that “good” for some reason is the go to response of adolescent children for every question asked by an adult person.)  After he assured me that he didn’t take any calls or answer the door or go outside, he said, “Guess what?! I baked us some cookies!”

You know that smile you give when you want to appear excited although your heart is sliding in slow motion to your feet?  Well, that’s the face I think I showed him.  Clearly, I must have disguised my alarm because he excitedly reached to open the oven to show me the perfectly baked chocolate chip cookies.  “How thoughtful,” I said with my inside sarcastic voice.  I hurried into mama mode, gently snatched the oven mitt away from him while flashing that same “oh my gosh I can’t believe this just happened smile.”  I took deep breaths and forced myself not to get caught up imagining all of the possible awful scenarios that could have happened in my kitchen when the impulsive, creative one decided to hone his master chef skills in my absence.  After we put away the groceries, we sat down and enjoyed the cookies.  Parenting always provides teaching moments for me too and that day I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t forget to tell them not to cook when you are trying to test whether or not they are old enough to stay home alone.

Back-to-School means more than shopping

It seems like it hasn’t been that long since the school district broke for summer and now it’s already time for the kids to go back to school.  When my kids were school age, they looked forward to shopping for new clothes, shoes, and school supplies.  Every fall when those back to school shopping commercials began, my kids would get excited about the possibilities.  My thoughts, of course, always centered on the cost associated with purchasing all of the things they wanted so badly.  In general, I would discreetly spread the shopping out over a couple of weeks to keep from straining the household budget too much at one time.  The lengthening of the process also allowed the teachers time to submit that second supply list with the one special item you could only find at one store in town.  The other thing I would do is find out if there were family members who might be feeling the urge to share a little back to school love by contributing toward helping the kids get geared up for the new school year.

I found that the grandparents were always on board with the idea of sending their grand babies off to school looking sharp so I always provided the opportunity for them to join the back to school shopping initiative.  Before the days of high school sports teams, we used to travel south mid summer to visit the grandparents so the kids would start their school shopping down south.  Grammy and Papa would fund a couple of outfits and Grandma, in keeping with her practical shopping theme, would buy a couple of school outfits and something for them to wear to church.  In addition, I could usually count on my mother, Grandma, to send a check right before school started to help with the other things.

Mama taught school for forty-two years before retiring so for her there couldn’t be too much preparation for the school year.  My mother firmly believed that students had a more positive experience when they felt good about their learning environments and that included how they felt about themselves.  As a child, I can remember her shopping for her own school clothes.  I don’t think her students ever knew that she cared for them so much that she wanted to project her concern, compassion, and pride for them and their learning environment through her wardrobe.  I am pretty sure they didn’t know that she  carefully selected clothing that would make her look professional, yet approachable, to them and their families.  From the holiday sweaters to the denim dresses and colorful coordinated accessories, she modeled respect for the educational process while she served as a teacher.  As a retiree and grandmother, she wanted that for her grandchildren too.

So, while I was being shocked by the back to school signage, commercials and challenging the system about whether or not all of this was about need or just marketing campaigns, my mother was busy celebrating and encouraging the process.  My mother reminded me to embrace the freshness and new potential of each school year with the excitement of a child instead of focusing on the challenges of the process.  While I was dealing with the shock of the realization that their toes were at the ends of their shoes and that the clothes I bought in the spring were too small, she planted seeds of hope.  While I was complaining about having to buy yet another backpack, she was filling the kids with ideas that promoted enthusiasm about school and learning.  Mama expressed her passion for teaching and learning to the kids with soft words and anecdotal stories about the children she taught.  Mama balanced the back to school drama with a calm and collected presence.  Everybody working through the back to school shopping challenges needs someone like mama in their village.

Mama always kept the discussions with the kids centered on what they might learn and what they expected from the school year.  They talked to her about their friends or the kinds of friends and teachers they hoped to have in their classes.  She never talked to them about the things that challenged me like the budget for the clothes and how to stretch the money to cover those clothes and the stuff they needed to fill the backpacks.  Mama taught me that my budgetary concerns were not concerns for my children.  She forced me to manage my budget and grown up concerns and let the kids be kids and think on kid things.    She forced me to see that I should not make the kids feel any guilt about the cost of their clothing increasing as their clothing sizes increased.  All kids, like mine, ought to be able to concern themselves with the business of being kids and the things that come with that come with that like laughter, dreaming, healthy curiosity for new adventures and challenges and playing.  Grown ups ought to be tasked with figuring out how.  Therefore, the issue of budgeting for their needs rested with me.

Encourage your children to be excited about learning.  Don’t muffle the sounds of their playful energy or stifle their development with your grown up stress.  Don’t restrict their potential because your grown up life may have some limitations.  Allow children in your community to enter the schoolyard free to explore and absorb the spirit of youthful pleasures.  I am forever grateful to Mama for her maturity and expertise as an educator and parent.  I am grateful that she didn’t restrict her wisdom to the confines of her physical classroom, but sought every opportunity to teach and parent.  Mama taught me the value of extending myself and my gifts beyond the theoretical and expected arenas into a larger audience thirsting for the gift of an excellent villager.

 

 

 

 

Making champions!

Reflections on my championship run...

Reflections on my championship run…

All the talk about the college national championship game reminded me of something a football coach once said to me: “We are trying to make champions over here.”  At that time, I was a mom who had been living with the decision to step away from my career goals and dreams to dedicate my energy, time and genius to childrearing.  When I made that major life decision, I really had no idea that my home would become a safe house and my car a safe ride for my kids and countless other children.  This safe house, car ministry phenomenon became my reality without any planning or any expectation on my part.  I learned that I had a kid magnet that drew children into my space on a regular basis.  My existence became defined by the steady presence of children in need of food, encouragement, rides, safety or just an adult who would listen before speaking in a place free of judgment.  Not only did I believe I was providing a much needed sense of community to kids, I found that those watching this developing trend affirmed my spirit, passion and burden to be a caretaker of children in the community. They entrusted me with their most precious cargo.  When the children appeared, my attention turned to discovering the child’s immediate needs and then doing my part to address those needs.

Because I spent so much time and energy looking out for children in the community, the coach’s statement about “making champions” struck a nerve and I gave a response that was fueled by a bit of aggravation, shock and insult.  I replied, “What do you think I’m doing at my house; I am making champions too!” I never forgot the pregnant silence precipitated by my passionate, educational and enlightening response.  At the time, I believed the only product of that exchange was that awkward silence.  Instead, our emotional exchange made me aware of  the similarities between team building in the structure of the workplace and the need for a team consciousness in communities.  Communities desirous of successful, competent, well-rounded children must intentionally and purposefully operate like members of a professional workplace.

Verbalizing that my goal in life was “building champions at my house” made the mission of being an excellent villager a living, breathing thing.  My role as an established villager meant welcoming children into my “home” whether “home” was the house, the car, the bleacher seat next to me, a camp site or the concession stand.  The saying that “Home is where the heart is” was applicable in my life as a villager.  Excellent villagers should allow the warmth of their hearts to permeate the space they occupy and fill the place with the life, hope, and vibrant energy of a beating heart.

I learned that the vitality of the village rested on a movement of steady infusions of warm, caring, positive, hope-filled message.  The children listened when the messages were presented with a calm, attentive and concerned voice.  Excellent villagers focus on how to consistently encourage children in the village to achieve greatness in personal, academic, and social endeavors or challenges.  Most exciting was the realization that the children who championed these ideals generally felt successful in their lives and that success had the potential to breed more success.  I found out that the strength of an excellent villager was in the ability to manage his or her individual roles assuring that the productivity of the village aligned with the expectations of high achieving well-rounded, secure children.  Excellent villagers considered it an honor to provide for the children when they needed support.

Excellent villagers may not change the world all by themselves, but they can certainly live out my dad’s directive to “make a difference in the place where you find yourself.”  What children in your community need the positive influence of an excellent villager?  Make it a goal to connect at least one child in your community to someone who will offer them support in personal, academic, or social needs.

 

“Sunday go to meeting”

When I was a child, my mom would take me shopping several times a year.  We would generally go before school started, before Easter Sunday, and then in early June for some summer clothes. I honestly don’t remember the shopping for summer clothes, but I really want to think we shopped more than twice a year.  I do remember Mama would take the sewing machine out every summer.  She was a school teacher and rarely taught during the summer months so she and my sister would spend that time making shorts for me to wear.  Now that I am writing about this subject I think maybe she shopped for herself a lot more than she shopped for me.  I guess she worked and I didn’t.  Therefore, she could spend her money how ever she saw fit.

When she took me shopping she would announce, “I will buy you school clothes and ‘Sunday go to meeting’ clothes.”  Even when I shop now, I can hear her proclamation.  The selection of school clothes also came with stipulations that would make you think my mother invented the idea of school uniforms.  She would basically buy me blue slacks, khaki slacks, jeans and an assortment of shirts that I could mix and match with the slacks.  I often joke about “Garanimals” because I remember when the Sears Department Stores carried them and we shopped at Sears.  The concept was that you could mix and match the clothes with tags depicting images of the same animals.  I be danged if the concept of mix and matching clothing in my wardrobe didn’t become a life long theme.  I am so scarred.  She always said I was “too practical,” but right now I’m thinking that she is responsible for creating and nurturing that practical part of me.

By definition, “Sunday clothes” meant a dress or suit (with a skirt) ONLY, stockings or tights, and a long coat to be worn with my Sunday clothes in the fall and winter.  The only time my mother ever approved of me wearing pants to church was after I was very grown with a husband and two children and she came to visit us in the mid west during the winter.  In general, the Sunday clothes were considered “dressy” and worn on Sundays, to meetings that required business attire, weddings, or funerals. We also wore dressy clothes to special occasions like high school and college graduations! I am so frustrated seeing people wearing shorts, baggy pants, slides, ill-fitting outfits woven with varying amounts of spandex, dresses so short and tight that you can see their business when they walk, and denim to graduation ceremonies or commencement exercises.  There’s a reason these events are called ceremonies and commencements, people.  They are not parties or socials.  Wow!

Some things in life are big deals and major opportunities.  We have become so relaxed that we forget to make a big deal out of the things that are big deals.  We must teach our kids that some moments and opportunities deserve our respect.  Additionally, we have to impress upon them that the way we present ourselves during those moments can speak volumes about our level of honor and respect for the accomplishments and achievements those moments represent.  High school graduation is not a given any more.  How do I know this you ask? I know this because school districts are staging campaigns to encourage kids to return to high school.  I know this because school are suspending and expelling kids from high school in greater numbers than we used to see.  We also know that college costs are high and being a young adult on a college campus these days can be challenging.  As a result,  students and their support circles can attest that receiving a college diploma is no easy feat.  Hence, we should celebrate and acknowledge these ceremonies in a way that is special and different from going to the mall or a ball game.

I used to wonder why dressing up for church was such a big deal to my mom.  Mama would make me wear a skirt to church on Saturday’s when we had choir practice.  I remember trying to leave the house one Saturday in shorts (and they were not hot pants).  Mama asked, “Where are you going?  I thought you had to be at church for rehearsal?” “I am headed to church,” I replied.  She followed up with, “You need to put on at least a skirt if you are going to church.” I said, “But Mama, it’s Saturday!” Silence filled the air.  No more comments or questions.  You may step down, Miss Cooper, your Mama is done with her line of questioning and she has dropped the mic and walked away. “Dang.  For real?!” read the thought bubble over my head.  I was smart enough to use my inside voice for that comment because I knew that a debate with my mother was not a consideration.  I returned to my room and changed into the casual skirt that she bought for me to wear for occasions like this one.  I went to church to rehearse with the other well-dressed teens at my church that Saturday afternoon.

I was a little more relaxed with my kids and their church attire.  I didn’t require my daughter to wear frilly, itchy slips under her dresses and my son didn’t have to wear a tie every week.  When we had Sunday football, they even got to wear denim and football jerseys to church.  However, I did make it a point to impress upon them that there were times that demanded a change from their every day school wardrobe.  I remember when the kids were in middle school we had  discussions about appropriate clothing for school.  I told my kids that I wanted teachers to believe that they were students coming to class serious about learning and not looking like students with a mission to play and goof around.  I worked hard to encourage them to select clothing that was trendy, but classic and collegiate.  In order to make sure that their outfits would blend well at school, I bought the popular footwear, the trendy jackets and outerwear, and pieces of jewelry to compliment the looks.

My son was in middle school when the baggy, saggy pants trend began.  “Lord, help us all!”, I said with my outside voice.  There was no way in heck he was gonna sport that look and fit the description of every suspect on the police radar.  The conversation with him focused on the first impressions he would make on teachers and law enforcement based solely on his clothing.  My boy was a smart one.  He figured out how to use my concerns about his safety and reputation to take his wardrobe to a new level with designer collared shirts and handsome, crisp, trendy tees.  So, for all of his teen years, he would let me know when his gear was on sale.  He would work to figure out my budget so that he could figure our how many shirts or pairs of shoes he might acquire during the shopping trip.  He knew that I was a sucker for good math and good analytical skills.  His ability to consider my concerns about his safety, his academic reputation and my budget were rewarded with a few more designer pieces to compliment the jeans and slacks.  I bought him nice kicks, trendy hats and collegiate looking outer wear.  I am thrilled that he still appreciates stepping out looking like he cares about presenting himself in a way that announces that he is serious and confident about who he is and what he is about to do.  Balance and compromise, even in the wardrobe, can encourage your kids to listen to you and to  trust that your objective is really about their safety and success and not about impacting their ability to blend with their peers.  My mother’s lessons on choosing clothing that fit my body well and fit the occasion are still considerations for me every day.  Give your kids the gift of understanding that our wardrobes often speak for us and about us.  The choices we make about what to wear and when to wear it can relay messages about how we feel about ourselves as well as demonstrate our ability to exercise  good judgement and respect for the special moments that bless our lives.

Pick a number

Last week I was on the phone scheduling a carpet cleaning visit with a local company.  I wanted the technician to come to the house within a couple of days.  Once we decided on a date and time, the agent on the phone asked for the best phone number for the technician to call when he was ready to begin his trek to our house.  I gave them my cell phone number.  Then, they asked if I had a secondary number.  Since my husband would be getting off of work a little early that day, I gave them his cell phone number as the secondary number.  When I was saying his number out loud, I was reminded that our numbers read the same except for the last number in the sequence of numbers.  His cell phone number ends in a one and my number ends in a two.  People often comment about our numbers being so similar and sometimes his friends hit a two instead of a one and call me expecting him to answer.

The similarities in our cell phone numbers are not accidental.  When we got these numbers, I asked the representative who was setting up the accounts to find two numbers that would be easy for my young children to remember.  It was an odd request, but the representative agreed to make the effort to find two similar numbers.  The agent found number sequences with repeating numbers and that were the same except the numbers would end in a one and a two.  Beautiful! My children learned the numbers with ease.

I did the same thing with our home phone numbers every time we moved and set up service.  When the kids were younger, the home phone numbers were always sequential numbers or repeating numbers.  Once, we had a home phone number that would have been a great rummy hand.  It had two eights and four fives.  I think it was 884-5555.  Genius!  My five year old daughter had no trouble remembering her home phone number and I was thrilled.  I have encountered so many people who have said things like, “How did you get such easy to learn phone numbers?” or “Aren’t you lucky?”

It was not a coincidence.  It was not a lucky draw.  It was planned and designed.  Excellent parenting is not happenstance and neither is ensuring the safety and security of your children.  Don’t shy away from asking for phone numbers that your babies can remember.  You are the consumer and they serve at your pleasure even if they don’t know it.  Ask and ask again.  Then, ask for a supervisor if they continue to have difficulty understanding their role.  They are villagers tasked with providing excellent service that enables you to enhance the plan of safety and security for your babies.

 

 

If-Then

Parenting is probably the hardest job I have ever had in my life. I learned during my pregnancies that the little people have minds of their own and free will. That lesson would prove valuable years later as I was reminded that I won’t always be able to control the way they move or the time at which they chose to make adjustments. I still don’t completely understand the whys and hows of the whole process, but I do know that I have loved them and wanted nothing but the best for them since I found out they existed. My goal was always to create a nurturing, safe environment for them that would help them become productive, caring, well-adjusted people.

Just as I suspect that there were some independent forces that led to the movement and adjustments before the babies made their journey to the outside, there are independent forces that influence their lives on the outside. When they are younger, they trust the adults in their world implicitly to explain and define everything. However, around eleven or so those adult figures become the most insanely oppressive, controlling, disconnected people on the planet. Suddenly, the forces of social media and the school yard dominate their minds, seek to manipulate their thinking, and fight to direct their journeys. It is at this time parents hear, “You don’t understand!” or “Why are your so mean to me?” or “I really don’t want to talk to you right now.” or “Why do you keep telling me the same thing over and over again? I heard you the first time.” Recently, I was reminded by a friend of the infamous and dramatic, “I hate you!” I never heard the last one because I think my kids honestly believed that if they went there my eyes would roll back until only the whites were visible, steam would blow from my ears, and my head would spin around.

At some point during this growth phase, I told each of my kids that they did not come with a manual. I have told them that I believe that I make the best decisions for them at the time decisions need to be made and that those decisions are based on the information I have available to me. With a
little comedic whip, but with all seriousness, I let them know that I am scarred and they too will probably say they are scarred later in life. I apologize in advance and promise to help them heal when they figure out how I screwed up. I also tell them that I understand that they have free will to choose who they will trust and believe. I encourage them to use their brains and free will to think logically about the decisions they make regarding who to follow and what to believe. Finally, I tell them that when they consider following, trusting, or believing someone whose message is contrary to mine their thought process should include this if-then statement:

If you find someone who loves you more than I do, someone who has or will sacrifice more for you than I have, or someone who has as much to lose as I do if something happens to you, then you should follow them.

Based on the relationship I have with the two of them now and the fact that they are the coolest young people I know, I don’t think they found that person who loves them more deeply than I do or will sacrifice more for them than I will. Or, maybe they are just smart enough to trick me into believing I am “the real MVP” because they know that I am the keeper of the checkbook.

 

 

Safety First

I don’t have little kids anymore, but when I did I took care to use the services of the security team at the mall or the shopping center.  I always tell my kids that you have to live defensively and that means I need to be the example of defensive living even in the parking lot.  Whenever we would go grocery shopping, I would park the car near a cart return station so that I wouldn’t have to go too far from my kids in the car.  In fact, I still use the same practice as often I can at any store where I might need to return a cart.  In addition to being in close proximity of the car, there are usually other people targeting that same station.  The shoppers go there to return carts and employees go there to collect carts and return them to the inside of the store.  The age old rule that “there is safety in numbers” controls even in this situation.

I recall several instances when the kids and I went shopping.  On one occasion, we went to a mall to shop. My kids were very young.  My daughter was about five or six and my son was walking, but in a stroller.  When our shopping excursion was over, it was dark outside.  I knew that I would have to monitor the safety of my children and our purchases as we walked at a short-legged kid pace to the car with my head on a swivel looking for potential danger.  I was concerned about turning my back to the darkness while I put the kids and bags in the car.  So, on this occasion I went to an employee in a mall store nearest my car and asked her to call mall security and have the guy riding around on the bicycle escort me to my car.  I remember him arriving and being a little agitated that I summoned him.  He said, “You really don’t need me.  This mall is pretty safe.”  I asked, “Well if it’s so safe, why are you working?”  I followed the question with a “Thank you for escorting me and my kids safely to the car.”

On another shopping trip, I was alone when the darkness took over the sky.  Instead of asking for mall security, I asked a salesperson to hold my bags at her station which was near the door while I went to retrieve my car.  I walked in the well lit parking lot briskly to my car and drove to the store entrance where she met me with my bags.  She was very kind and understood my concern about being alone and walking with a handbag and lots of bags.

I never want to look like an easy or attractive target.  I also make an effort to employ the services made available to me by the stores and shops that I frequent.  There is a reason they hire security and install cameras.

 

 

Middle School Mamas

MIDDLE SCHOOL MAMAS

Today, I want to offer some encouragement and advice to those of you with children in middle school. Middle school years were tough on me. It was so easy to focus on the difficulties and pains I felt as a parent when my kids were morphing into teens. One day I saw them as the beautiful, perfect humans I always envisioned they would become and another day I just wanted to ship them back to grandma or the neighbor or somebody far away from my house. They had the ability to put me on the same emotional rollercoaster I thought their little pre-teen selves rode. I found myself feeling like a transitioning bundle of hormones. I was a grown, emotional wreck. Since I have been there and survived, I want to share some tools to help you and the young person in your life journey successfully to the end of this phase in a way that leads you to love each other more deeply when the journey toward “teendom” ends.

I want to challenge you to live through the murky ever-changing hormonal circus with a youthful transparency. I know youthfulness and transparency are both challenging for grown folks, but so necessary if you want to gain trust, love, respect, and understanding from your pre-teen. I hope that you will think about your days as a kid and be reminded of your failures and the methods grown folks used to get you through those moments. I hope your memories, like mine, reveal imperfections and mistakes attributable to you as well as some not so perfect approaches by the grown people in your childhood that you should evaluate to determine whether or not they achieved a result that improved your circumstances. Once you have completed your introspective, critical look at your scarred, imperfect self, admit to your kids that you are not perfect and that you are a grown screw up working on getting better every day. This is step one. You will be surprised at the shocked looks you get when you admit to being a lot like what they think they are as a pre-teen – a confused, imperfect, and misunderstood work in progress. They will never admit that you have anything in common with them out loud, but you will have created a bridge of communication with them. You will need many bridges to complete this journey through the messy, murky, volatile middle school years. I found it beneficial to create as many bridges of communication as possible with my pre-teen kids because one bridge will close or just get busted up and drowned in the ocean of middle school mess and the back up overpasses will become vital to reaching your “babies.”

Remember, they are still your “babies.” They are not grown even if they look grown and try to act grown. I learned from spending time with friends of my children and other kids at the schools that parents simply stop parenting when their kids are able to tie their own shoes, make a sandwich, groom themselves, and stay home alone. Unfortunately, many parents, intentionally or unintentionally, free themselves from the full time involvement in their kids’ lives that may have been required when the kids were younger. While the kids are more independent and not solely reliant on you for every need, they still need you to guide them and provide insight and information that their friend circle is too young and inexperienced to provide. They need you to actively create a village of protection and information around them even if they don’t know they need it. To borrow a quote from my husband, “They don’t know what they don’t know.” These babies still need you to parent. You are not obsolete or irrelevant even if they try to make you feel like you don’t have a clue. You are not off duty yet!

There is an African proverb that says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I took that literally and actively built villages around my children. I realized when they entered middle school that I suddenly became an embarrassment to the kids who once adored me and believed I was the smartest, coolest, most beautiful woman alive. Almost over night they didn’t want to be seen with me in public, my fashion sense needed their input to be acceptable around their peers, and everything I said seemed to be an insult to their genius or intended to treat them like a baby. I rarely got it right and I was very frustrated and hurt. I had given up my career to stay home and care for them and it felt like the time and energy I devoted to them as a mother was all in vain. I prayed a lot and did more introspection and analysis of the situation. I realized that they had a need to please other adults in their lives and that other adults outside the house had greater influence than I did. So, I approached a few adults like my neighbor and family friends. I told them that I needed them to be ears and eyes from my children and a voice of reason for them. I also made contact with teachers at their schools who they admired and thanked them for their encouragement and mentoring of my children. I explained that I wanted to be an active parent, but I also wanted to give my kids room to grow and make independent decisions. All of my villagers were instructed to listen, give direction, and notify me if my kids were not performing at an acceptable level in their classes or if they were entering a situation that was not safe. Often the villagers would tell me things I could do to help or when they thought I was being too strict or unreasonable. For example, I did not allow my kids to have cell phones until they were thirteen. My daughter would have been made to wait until high school, but a middle school teacher pulled me aside to tell me what a great kid I had and that I should trust her with a cell phone. I consented and thanked the teacher for giving me new perspective on the situation. I was wrong and I made a mistake not trusting my daughter with phone in the eighth grade. I often tell them that I didn’t receive a user manual at the hospital when I brought them home and that I make the best decisions I can at the time I make them. This admission often got me some forgiveness for some not so smart decisions I made as a parent. I realized that I had great parents, but I didn’t always feel free to talk about all subjects with them. I didn’t always feel like they would affirm me or advocate my position. When you become transparent in front of your kids and allow them to challenge your decisions or beliefs with thoughtful, respectful opinions, you will be enlightened and create a vital bridge of communication that will strengthen your relationship with them and teach them about relating to people in other areas of their lives. Additionally, your kids will feel freer to take risks and admit mistakes without the pressure of being ridiculed or judged by you or others. You will create a comfort zone which will be a very sturdy bridge for your kids to use over and over again to reach you for things as small as “Can you bring my cleats to school?” or as concerning as “Mom, I need you to come get me from my friend’s house because something doesn’t’ feel right here.” Use these opportunities to remind them that you want them to be safe and feel loved and that most of your decisions are based in these two desires. Be transparent, tell them you love them often, hug them often, listen to them when they show an interest in talking to you, and build trusting, encouraging villages so that you can have more success navigating the middle school journey.