My weekly process of sharing my thoughts and experiences lulled me into thinking that I had attained a level of mastery in self-analysis and self-reflection.  Then, my big boss invited the division to participate in the yearly professional development day.  Those who accepted the invitation received a book to read.  The author recorded and analyzed several decades of survey results of her former students.  Reading their stories and comparing their experiences to mine was supposed to guide me through the process of writing my own life story.  Instead of gleaning a deeper understanding about my life, I began to fret over the length of the book, the length of the chapters, and the fact that I had homework associated with the book.

My blog has always been about telling my story with transparency and reflective thought with an end goal of encouraging, enlightening, and educating my audiences.  At times as I sat in the shadows supporting my village, I wondered how the little girl with big stage dancer dreams found herself working the stage crew.  I wondered which decision started the cycle of shadow dwelling for me.  What made me perfect for the role of a shadow dweller? Was it just one decision or me capitalizing on a number of opportunities to rehearse the role of a shadow dweller?  During my reflective moments, I asked myself what made me stay the course?  Did I believe that I was solely responsible for the circumstances of the villagers? Did I care so much that I wanted to do everything in my power to fix the issues or the people?  Did the expressions of my lyrical shadow dwelling performances inspire more of the same?  I started to wonder if the repetition provided a rhythmic groove that became the theme song I embraced.  Did I love the song so much that I just couldn’t change the track or was I simply afraid to deal with the moment when the song stopped?

I have been making my way through the book and the process for about a month.  Initially, the struggle for me was seeing myself as a member of the author’s audience.  I struggled to understand why I was spending my time reading about how to do the very things I did every day in my job.  Moreover, I already thought I was pretty good at coaching students through life challenges and into a realm in which they confidently listen to and use their “outside voices” to communicate their personal truths.  My resistance made finishing the book and the homework more difficult.  Although I knew what the writer said had some application in the lives of people under the age of thirty, I got caught up in dissecting the examples and analogies in the text.  In my opinion, the author made everything more confusing.  I found myself skipping chapters to get to the part of the book that related to me and developing my life story.

I turned to one of the latter chapters in the book in which the author summarized the journeys of several of her former students.  The journeys of a few of the former students resonated with me.  Then, my thoughts about the role of the book in my life changed.  Soon, I started considering the author’s suggested questions and my responses to the same.  The questions made me think about the people and the things that influenced my journey.  Working through the process helped me understand that it was important to consider the reasons that I made decisions in my past and equally important that I remain mindful about how the current challenges and life changes influence my decisions now.  During the process, I gave much thought to the people in my life who the author referred to as “partners.”  Recently, I wrote about adopting mentors at every part of my journey.  The “partners” were not necessarily the same as mentors.  I took time this week to consider who partnered with me at various stages of my life.  I also considered the positive and negative influences of the “partners.”  At this point in my life, I am careful about who I involve in the details of my life, my decisions, and my thoughts.

I have always considered myself a life learner and this act of resistance and rebellion made me aware of how easy it can be to stifle learning and growth.  The next few days will be spent taking a historical look at my journey.  I don’t plan to engage in a lot of second guessing and hypothetical outcomes that take me down the path of what life might have been if I had made a different decision at any point along the way.  I plan to continue to own the things I hold dear.  I will think in a more detailed way about how I meld my personal beliefs with my voice and mission to educate, enlighten, and empower others.  This process is teaching me the importance of defining the relationships in my life more clearly.  I will distinguish the people I consider mentors from those I consider “partners.” I want others to engage in the process of discovering self and listening to self with the benefit of supportive “partners.”  As I work through this process next week, I will journal and hopefully have insights worth sharing.

I accepted my first full time professional job over twenty years ago.  I was grateful that I secured a job and I was excited about the opportunity to do what I spent years preparing to do.  About a year later, it became clear that I could execute the assigned tasks, but I could not envision myself in such a monotonous career path for the rest of my life.  Additionally, the work environment literally made me sick.  Having been raised by educators who remained in the same jobs for decades, disappointment and judgment ruled every internal consideration I had about resigning from my “good” government job.  Then, I engaged in the practice of second guessing.  I asked questions like “Why didn’t I pursue the other job options?” I made statements like “Maybe if I give this more time it will get better.”  Next, I sought advice and met with some “advisors” who gave me more reasons to second guess myself by emphasizing to me that I had a “good” job because it was “stable” and provided a benefits package.  I attributed my mental warfare to my youth, continued in my role, and reminded myself often of all of the reasons that my job was “good.”  I did that until I just couldn’t any longer.

I was not in a position of leadership at that time, but I evaluated the leadership.  I made some promises to myself about things I would not do as a leader.  I also decided that if I ever became the leader of anything, I would do the following:

1. Encourage my team members to dream beyond the space or project. Dreamers bring with them positive, creative energy.  The collective dream vibe creates a spirit of hope.  I can say that my job is easier and more palatable when the people around me are positive and hopeful.
2. Support the fruits of dreaming. When the dream door opens and remains open, there is potential for really cool, innovative ideas with a wide spectrum of possibilities.  The ideas might revolutionize the way you conduct business or make the voice of the group more relevant.  The ideas could reveal a way to be a better steward over the resources entrusted to the team or add needed capital, human or otherwise, to the team.
3. Figure out who loves their work and who might be allergic to work. Those who love their work are self-motivated to remain engaged in the goals and objectives of the team or organization.  Those who love their work dream about ways to enhance the team or organization AND invest themselves in strategic planning and solution driven action plans to reach the desired outcomes.  Folks who love their work don’t see obstacles like space, money, size of the team, or deadlines as road blocks, but confront challenges with the mindset that reaching the desired outcome is more important than quitting.  If you lead people who fit the description of someone who loves their work, refer to #1 and #2.  If you work with someone who you wouldn’t describe in that way, they may not love their work or they could just be allergic to work.  In either case, encourage them to figure out what they love and support them in the transition to that thing.  I didn’t love the work I was doing at my first job and it benefited me to transition to something that I loved.
4. “Consider the source” is what my daddy used to tell me. In leadership, you hear many voices and opinions about your decisions and your leadership style.  It is important to have a handful of good advisors.  Good advisors are like good friends – we don’t really have a lot of them and they are excited to hear from you no matter how long it’s been since you last spoke to them.  Like good friends, good advisors are knowledgeable about the subject matter, yet not perceived as a “know-it-all.”  These folks teach you how to shape your story so that you can realize goals and overcome challenges.  At each phase of my life, I have added an advisor to my personal village.  I love them because they don’t always agree with me, yet they offer constructive, developmental advice.  They speak with candor and concern about things and situations that challenge me.  Their conversations meet negativity with an action plan strategically designed with my strengths and goals in mind.  If your advisor leaves your space and you with more negativity, fear, or confusion, you might seek out a new advisor.
5. “Leave it better than you found it” was always my mother’s advice. This directive worked when we visited someone else’s house and it works in any leadership role.  My first job left me worse off than when I started there and I blamed the leadership for most of the time I  worked there.  After a phone conversation with a law school classmate about “quality of life,” there was awareness that I had a decision to make about how I choose to spend my time and where I choose to spend it.  I am responsible for making myself and the place where I spend my time better.  My mother’s mantra should resonate with anyone who leads at any level.  “Leav[ing] it better than you found it” mandates intentional decisions, a purposeful use of resources, and a sacrifice of self and pride for the good of the team you lead.

I challenge readers to reflect on leaders in their past and present.  Examine the strengths and challenges of the leaders.  Analyze how their leadership styles enhanced you personally and/or professionally.  Think about how you could have made changes in your work ethic or level of contribution (based on your areas of giftedness) that might have made things better.  Ask yourself why you didn’t do those things.  You might get back to the motivations that lead you there or you might figure out that you didn’t really love the thing you were doing there and therefore gave less than you were capable of contributing.  At any rate, you should experience a change in perspective about the leadership and about yourself.  Your revelation ought to motivate you to be passionate about something, own the passion, and be excited about taking some type of leadership role in getting that something done.

During my senior year of high school a teacher told me that I was “a born leader.”  Over the years, I have learned that being born with an aptitude to be successful at something does not make you successful at that something.  I have also learned that the opportunities to use that something may present in spaces and in ways you never imagined.

For me, leadership meant taking the lead as a caretaker of family members, leading initiatives to address specific needs of community groups, or directing the course of spontaneous moments of challenge in my personal or professional life.  There was a time when I didn’t see my investments of time, emotion, and resources into the lives of other people or institutions as leadership.  At times, the tasks were labor intensive or emotionally draining so I felt burdened.  I asked God more than a few times over the years, “Are you for real right now?!”  Apparently, God intended to provide new and continuous opportunities for me to discover the gifts and blessings of being “a born leader.”  Thankfully, I have learned that embracing what was naturally me gave me perspective driven by gratitude and purpose.  I became grateful for the opportunities and for my ability to serve.  I became focused on the honor bestowed upon me when other folks entrusted important decisions and concerns into my care.

For most of my life, I accepted challenges, created action plans, and executed steps to reach goals.  Often, I moved through this process without ever considering the depth or value of my ability to lead charges repeatedly.  I didn’t consider why I found myself in positions of trust when there were generally other people who could step up and lead. I began to evaluate my leadership style and that of others in leadership roles.  I learned that universal truths existed regardless of the forum, the institution, or the relationship that offered the opportunity for leadership.

1. Leadership can be lonely.  Sometimes the vision to attain the mission is not popular or readily visible to anyone other than the leader.  There is also the likelihood that the decisions that get the group to the goal are not acceptable to anyone except the leader.
2. Have a short memory as it relates to failure, criticism, and judgment.
3. Be flexible in your thoughts, your analysis of circumstances, your strategic planning, and your decision making.
4. Take ownership of your decisions and the decisions of those you empower to make decisions.  You get to own the not-so-great decisions as well as those that make you look like a genius.
5. Self-awareness about personal strengths and challenges makes you human and transparent, not weak.  Don’t be afraid to invite people who are strong in your areas of weakness to join forces with you.  Give them responsibility for those areas.  This makes for efficient, productive outcomes.
6. Be resourceful with use of human capital and the things available to you in the space or group you lead.  Also be mindful of other resources in the surrounding community.
7. Invest time in learning about the people you lead and how their unique traits can add value to the group, project, or institution.  Then, communicate that value to the individuals and promote actions by them that utilize their areas of giftedness.
8. Understand the mission of the organization or team you lead.  Then, figure out how you and the division or team you lead can enhance the mission of the larger organization or institution.
9. Spend time understanding the targeted service group or community and figure out how the goals and objectives of your group or team support the larger mission.
10. Stay focused on the goal and the things that enable the group to accomplish tasks in the action plan that are required to champion the established objectives and mission.

I hope that folks will broaden their views on the term leadership.  Unfortunately, people use the fact that they do not have the designated title given to the leader of the group to justify their failure to be accountable for the success of the group.  Instead of embracing their value to the group and investing themselves and their abilities in the overall mission, they isolate and look for excuses not to contribute on a consistent basis.  I hope that accountability and truth will be welcomed by those who lead or share in leadership with me.

The interview process can be grueling and revealing for all involved parties.  Each party has potential for great gains and future frustrations depending on the outcome of the search process.  Because of the range of potential for glory and grief, understanding the search process is imperative.  Learn as much as possible about the person being interviewed and/or the institution or organization you seek to join.  As a member of several hiring committees over the last several months, I saw that much time was spent discussing the position, the department conducting the search, the institutional mission and needs, and the population serviced.  Then, there were discussions about the gaps that existed within then department and/or the institution and whether there was potential to address the gap issue(s).  When filling the vacant position.  If you already knew this, that is excellent.  This post was written for those without the blessing of an interview search team coach.

Many years ago, job applications were completed in person.  The applicant delivered applications in person or by postal service to the potential hiring authority.  If there was no official documented process, an in-person appearance, including a substantial handshake with eye contact, was required.  By the time my gap year of stay-at-home parenting closed, the game had changed a lot.  I was frustrated by the online job postings, the online search and application process, and the reality of the virtual introductions between the interviewer and the interviewee.  I was frustrated by the fact that the virtual process stayed the in-person introductions often until very late in the search process.

I spent about a year searching and completing online job applications.  I worked to connect with anonymous people at the other end of the online conversations.  Through the electronic job searches, I also learned that my application could be rejected if I didn’t pass the prescreening assessments or if I didn’t score high enough on a personality assessment.  In my opinion, personality survey did not relate to my ability to be a successful team member at a retail store.  As mechanical as the process seemed, it reminded me that people created and directed these searches.  Therefore, interjecting human elements into the process whenever it made sense was ideal way to humanize this process.

One way to humanize the process was to pay close attention to the names of anyone involved in the process.  I used the notepad to jot down the names of those who participated in the interview process.  Then, I referred back to the notepad in order to refresh my memory about the names or departments represented.  The list of names and/or departments was also an excellent place to note specific comments or suggestions from someone affiliated with the search.  When the search ended, I used the lists from the notepad to draft thank you notes for those who participated in my process.  It was cool when people said thank you to me for the thank you note I gave them.  It became clear to me that people did not regularly express gratitude for the sacrifices of time and other resources expended by others.  In addition, when considering the content of the thank you notes, be specific about the reasons you are grateful.  I paid close attention to the questions asked by each person and any comments made during instances of follow up by search team members.  I included their comments and anything I learned from my interactions with that team member in my thank you notes.

During the process, I kept the thank you notes in mind.  The idea about writing thank you notes at the conclusion of my process motivated me to stay engaged during the process.  I kept track of the comments and questions from each person with whom I had contact.  I also wrote about how their comments or questions made me consider my path, personally and professionally.  My goal was to deliver the notes to the interested parties as soon after the interviews as I could.  In my opinion, it was important for them to know that I listened to their concerns and expectations.  I wanted them to know that I valued and considered their opinions.  Moreover, the thank you notes provided me a forum to speak about the things I learned through the conversations I had with the search team members when they responded to my questions during our sessions.  Finally, I believed that distributing thank you notes with my name on them to the search committee members would not only express my gratitude for their time and wisdom, but emphasize my intentional pursuit of the vacant position.

Last week I wrote about how much there is to learn from a search process.  This week, I am more convinced of the learning process that lies within the process.  When the process frustrates you the most, focus on opening your mind to learn and the content of the thank you notes you will write at the end.  You don’t need fancy cards or paper.  You just need to be open to growth and appreciation for diversity of thoughts.

I tend to look for the lessons in my life experiences.  However, sometimes in my leadership role, I forget the importance of reflection and introspection because I get caught up in the day-to-day grind.  Over the last week, I was forced to evaluate myself as a leader, as a community builder, and as visionary.  Basically, my village building mantra was dissected and tested.  I spent the week sitting on both sides of interview tables.  Through those experiences, I learned that if you open your mind to the potential learning opportunities available through the interview process you should grow personally and professionally.

This is what I learned from the interview processes this week:

1. Admitting that I didn’t know everything built trust with other stakeholders.
2. Telling others who were invested in the process and the community that I had trust in them as specialists in their particular fields encouraged meaningful dialogue and created a sense of team.
3. Self-disclosure should be reserved for those questions that specifically mandate personal information (and then remember that you don’t have to tell everything).
4. Be mindful of the clock so that those participating in the process have time to ask questions.  You also want to leave yourself time for questions.
5. Always have a questions or two ready when they ask, “Do you have any questions for us?”
6. Take a notepad and pen for jotting down names, departments represented, comments, questions, or interesting facts.
7. Take every opportunity to spend time with people who work or in my case study at the place.
8. Be consistent in the responses you give throughout the process. If you learn something during the process that changes your opinion or position, explain your new perspective for purposes of clarity and transparency.
9. Think about how you will respond personally and professionally if you don’t get the job (or hire the person you are interviewing).
10. Be prepared professionally. Learn about the institution, as many of the people who work or study there, and how the people connect to the mission of the institution and the communities that engage with the institution.
11. Be prepared personally. A tote or messenger bag can be helpful.  Take water, a piece of fruit or a protein bar, a jacket or sweater, and by all means have some comfortable shoes in the event that the day gets long or you take a walking tour.
12. Stay positive and engaged determined to enjoy the experience. Don’t forget that every part of the process is a part of the interview.  If you say you want the job and proclaim the blessing of having the opportunity to be there to promote your interest and your qualifications for the job, you should act like you want to be there by staying positive and present.  Engage with the community with an air of confidence, gratitude, and enjoyment.

Hung over (see http://wp.me/p6L8u0-eG ) was the theme of my end-of-year-school year experience last year.  As I reflected on my feelings at the end of the most recent academic year, I wondered if I learned any lessons from the former experience.  I remembered that as a child I told Daddy something like, “It hurts when I do this” or the other thing.  I remember him flashing a playful grin before he said, “Well, don’t do that.”  It seemed so simple to say don’t do the thing that hurts or causes discomfort, but it’s not always that easy.  It has always been much easier for me to avoid the things that make me say, “Ouch!” or “Dang, I didn’t even see that” or “That’s gonna leave a mark.”  The kind of physical injury that has manifested itself through vocalized pain responses generally triggered some avoidance techniques that helped me minimize my contact with those things that caused me pain.

My current hang over symptoms have taken me to a new height (as compared to the last school year).  This year has taught me that I had less difficulty taking safety precautions with inanimate things than those with a heartbeat.  The pains that I’ve felt this year didn’t begin with hitting my elbow on just the right spot or kicking my toe on the corner of the couch.  My pain memory saved me from repeated encounters with those things that somehow got in my way previously.  Memories of physical pain came complete with what presented like the equivalence of a time, date, location, and intensity stamp.  On the other hand, the pains from encounters with the living left me with an array of indelible marks and pain, but often I had no specified time of onset.  It reminded me of that question on the doctor’s intake form:  When did the pain start?  It’s was like living with a severe head cold and not being able to remember what it felt like to breath freely.  In that congested, stuffy moment in my life, there seemed to be only stuffiness, pain, pressure, and distraction.

A few weeks ago I became aware of some muscle aches and tightness in my neck and shoulders.  I knew that the body aches and occasional headaches were symptoms of hard labor.  I thought about this recurring end-of-year phenomenon and I realized that it might not be so phenomenal after all.  I had not participated in a lot of physical exercise, so my labor had to be related to the emotional lifting and carrying I had done in order do what I do every day.

While avoidance of the inanimate things that caused me pain came easier for me than my separation from or avoidance of human challenges.  My reflections revealed that I must be more tolerant of other people’s stuff,  shortcomings, and drama than I believed.  I must  also be more forgiving of others than I ever imagined and possible so passionate about uplifting communities that I chose to spend my time and energy on other things even if it meant neglecting myself.  The work of educating, empowering, and enlightening people and communities has always been hard, intense, emotional labor.  It was made especially tough for me because the work involved imperfect people trying to figure out life.  I submit to you that life can be hard labor because it is just that – a bunch of challenged folks trying to figure out how to do life in the community in which they find themselves.

I don’t generally credit myself with the amount of exertion it takes to just be me.  It is work to be me and all of the intersectional identities of me.  It is work to e a friend, a colleague, a neighbor, a sibling, a parent, an educator, or a leader.  It is work to be whatever you wake up every day aspiring to be and do.  My favorite Bible verse is Psalm 139:14 that speaks about me being “fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Psalm 139 speaks about the work it took to make me with care paying close attention to the details.  It’s too bad that it takes me being worn out from the labor and the distraction of caring for others to remember that even when a Master craftsman builds a thing maintenance must follow.

I believe that each of us was designed to make a unique global contribution.  I also believe that such a responsibility mandates maintenance of the vessel in order to achieve optimal performance.  I am thankful for so many people who made me a priority and took time to call, text, email, or literally sit down with me to remind me that it is alright to take time to decompress, to recover, and to breath deep healing breaths.  I appreciate the admonishment to plan opportunities for quiet and solace.  Both are necessary in the process of renewal and restoration of the foundational truths in Psalm 139 and to provide me the ability to draw from the inner strength it takes to do me every day.

“Eat less meat. Exercise more,” said my really nice doctor.  As I gave him a head tilt and a side eye, he quickly began the work of softening the message even more.  I gave a slight smile and I think he also saw the involuntary raising of my left eyebrow.  Then, I spoke.  I said something like, “Basically, the message is that I need to lose some weight.”  He was too nice to just say, “Yes.”  He said something like, “It would help your numbers.  You look ten years younger than me, but at fifty things start to change.”  Prior to the visit, I had some blood work done.  When I got there and he got the update on my family situation and all of the changes, he gave some life skills advice and threw in the bonus tip about improving my total health picture by getting some exercise and making better food choices.  His statements were not news to me and I told him so.  Interestingly, I recently told someone else that I needed to give more focus to self-care when I am managing work and changes in family circumstances.  The candid conversation with my really sweet doctor was exactly what I needed to redirect my attention to the work-life balance choices that ought to be constants in my life.

The last two weeks I have been writing about my parents and the lessons I learned from them through their roles as career educators.  Mama and Daddy talked about work a lot.  Mama and Daddy loved teaching and they were my first models for leadership.  Most people probably don’t think of educators as leaders and tales from the teachers’ lounge, to those people, may seem like anecdotal sharing of old memories to entertain audiences.  Daddy led an amazing group of teachers and they created a climate for student success at Autaugaville Elementary School.  Mama dictated the tempo and educational programming in her classroom.  She also influenced the development of less experience teachers and offered advice to the principal, Daddy.  Together the faculty cultivated a spirited, productive environment for students and staff.  Whether leading youth groups or family projects or my department at work, I have worked to be as impactful as my parents in the lives of young people.  I realized after the doctor visit that I have modeled them in my passionate and committed work.  It also became clear that I had become like them and many other excellent leaders in another way.

My observations about excellent leaders were not supported by research or data.  My findings were based on my informal studies of community leaders in a number of settings.  Excellent leaders, regardless of their areas of expertise, invested time in preparation to perform the demands of their jobs.  Moreover, they spend time learning about the people and the things they oversee.  Mama and Daddy modeled excellent were leaders in their communities.  Like other great leaders, they demonstrated passion for service as well as taking responsibility for the direction and decisions associated with things and people under their oversight.  I learned all of these things by watching Mama and Daddy, but last week it was clear that I also learned from them to move self-care down my priority list to a spot below the demands create by other things and people in need of my leadership.

Mama loved gardening.  Sometimes when she worked in the flower beds or her summer garden Daddy would cut the grass or trim hedges.  Mama also spent some of her free time prepping for church meetings or with her beloved Altrusa Club.  During summer months when she wasn’t teaching, she sewed and blanched fresh vegetable for freezing.  Daddy loved tinkering with electronics during his free time or talking to friends on his HAM radio.  Mama and Daddy enjoyed their hobbies because they helped them relax.  I don’t ever remember them engaging in any consistent form of cardiovascular exercise.  We didn’t go bike riding as a family and we SAT and WATCHED the only African American aerobics instructor teach classes on a local public television station.  It was big news at that time to have an African American aerobics teacher on television.  I am certain she believed more of us would put on our leotards, leg warmers, and tennis shoes and convert our dens into fitness rooms.  Well, I sat with my parents and listened to them talk about how good she looked on tv.  I must say that I will still sit and watch people exercise on tv while I enjoy popcorn and a cool beverage.

This moment of self-reflection showed me that their leadership in field of education set a standard of excellence worth duplication.  However, in watching them all of those years, I also embraced their models of self-care.  I adopted a practice that included a host of mostly sedentary activities like reading, writing, social media trolling, and cleaning up my email box.  There have been sporadic stretches of heart rate raising exercises, but it has always been much easier for me to choose work and my sedentary past times over consistent lifestyle changes that led to a holistic plan for a healthier me.

Leading takes time and energy.  After long days of work in a high energy workplace filled with continuous opportunities to help people manage challenges, sitting and absorbing a lot something that removed me to a quiet place was welcomed.  I am pretty sure that’s what my parents experienced too.  The concept of leadership has always interested me.  I was fascinated by the similarities between the presence of leaders in political parties and other types of institutions (i.e. educational, corporate, or criminal).  In all of those communities, the leaders had the power to influence change and community policies.  Leaders were not only capable of influencing change and policy, but the leaders had the power to establish the climate and morale of the people in the community.

When I study leaders, I study with an aim toward using the traits of the leaders that serve to encourage, empower, and enlighten to make me better at the things I do.  I also look at the leadership traits that don’t’ seem to serve the community well.  Then, I work not to repeat those traits.  I have always wanted to say that I improved upon the things that my parents modeled for me and provided to me.  Unfortunately, I spent time evaluating the excellence in their leadership model and ignored the need to consider ways that they might have improved the care of the vessels that delivered the passionate service to so many.  I must work harder to make my physical and mental health priorities on a more consistent basis.  I really do need to put into practice the lessons I teach my students related to the importance of making decisions that will make me better one decision at a time.  I must make decisions each day to improve upon my parents’ models of self-care and get to living out the directives of my doctor: “Eat less meat. Exercise more.”

Last week I wrote about some of the benefits and some of the complexities of alone time.  Although I wrote about my feelings associated with aloneness last Saturday, my consideration about the topic began more than a few days before I actually sat down to write.  One crisp, cool morning last week, I drove my husband to the airport to catch a flight so that he could begin yet another sports related journey.

Historically, whenever he left to begin a new sports related journey, I would bid him well.  We would have somewhat of a plan about how and when we might reside in the same city again at some approximate time in the future.  In those situations, the occasional pity party was sparked by the frustration that I had the responsibility of shutting down the old living situation and developing a plan to establish my family and myself in a new city.  This time, however, the foundation of my pity party was the reality of loneliness and the real need to separate from my people and my things.  This time, the objective became how to purge the stuff we have been accommodating for years in order to allow me to fit comfortably into a new space.  I often speak about the fact that the process of resolving challenges is difficult yet necessary work.   This time, I found myself needing to dig deep into the stuff, sift through it, and do an accounting to determine why each thing that collectively equaled “my stuff” had value.

Spring cleaning was one thing, but this purging of the stuff had an eternal feel to it.  Do I sell it?  Do I donate it? Do I just toss it and ask why the thing ever made the move here in the first place?  Do my kids even care that I kept this thing that I believed memorialized a cool moment in their lives?  Will anyone remember this thing or look for it again?  And why did I have to make these decisions by myself?!  These questions and others led me into that spiral I wrote about last week.  Once in the spiral, I traveled through a gloomy place that could have ended in depression and more feelings of loneliness or abandonment.  I had to put the brakes on that trip and redirect before that road became my familiar.  With a quickness, I took a deep breath, went to a few yoga classes, and reached out to a couple of friends for encouragement about the benefits of this purge.  Suddenly, I began to embrace the need for cleansing, the need for healthy reflection, and the need for change.

So, when I left the airport that cool, crisp morning, I went straight to work, literally.  I decided that I could apply this resilient spirit to my life at work and to my life at home.  At home and at work, I was the designated leader in transitional moments.  I was called to lead so I had to lead.  There was no time for a pity party.  I needed a plan and I needed progress.

In my office, there were two very large whiteboards that captured many of my thoughts, the needs of my department, insights from students, visions of campus friends, and ongoing projects.  As I scanned the multicolored writings on the board, I realized that I was at a new crossroad in my life at home and in the life of my department.  Additionally, I knew that I had to own the fact that I stood in a position to choose the path I would take next in each area of my life.  The ability to choose empowered me.  I turned on some good music and brought life to the office.  Then, I began the task of reorganizing and reframing the life story of my department (and my life).

The process from pity to progress made me aware of how easy it was to indulge in negative talk and negative thinking.  The negative vibes caused me to forget or neglect the purpose, the potential, and the positive results of the life’s work of my department.  In an effort to remind myself and enlighten others about the greatness of my department, I titled one section of the board “We Did That!!!”  As the list of things we had accomplished as a department grew longer, I worked harder to think of other accomplishments to add to the list.  The pity party sucked the life out of dreaming and believing.  The accounting of the accomplishments countered the pity and made me grateful and hopeful about the future endeavors.

I couldn’t let that hopeful spirit just sit inside so I created a section called “Keep Hope Alive!!!”  This list contained all of the things on those whiteboards and in my head that would make the department better suited for service to the campus.  I listed wishes for personnel, space, furnishing, electronic support, and swag.  Bureaucratic processes and funding have the power to limit the purchasing and spending, but neither prevented me from dreaming.

Again, I was empowered by reflecting on what I called “The Blessings of Hope!!!”  This section included all of the things previously wished for by my staff that we received because we remained hopeful.  I also knew that we received these blessings because we didn’t just sit around talking and hoping for things.  We went to work.  We worked while we talked about the hope for things that would make our mission to serve more impactful, more efficient, more inviting, and more relevant to the population we serve.

I have spoken to many students and student groups over the years.  Most of them were surprised about my knowledge of things they believed nobody my age would know.  That hint of experience in their world made me and what I said relevant.  Relevance made my audiences attentive.  Hence, the audience members gave me permission to use my voice to speak to them and possibly influence their lives for the better.  This potential to influence the greatness within a young person gave me another reason to hit that pity party squarely between the eyes and force it out of my way.  That desire to be relevant and the humility that came when I received permission to speak to young people inspired the section of one of my whiteboards called “Student Insights.”  Students who have visited my office laugh about the things that other student have told me.  They have also chuckled when I have told them that some of their “secrets” were shared with me by campus police or University instructors.  At any rate, all who contributed to my list of insights did so to further the mission of positively impacting other people.

Whatever you are called to do, do that!  On your road to excellent, the pity party will likely visit you to discourage you to quit or doubt yourself, your plan, or both.  When it appears, acknowledge the presence of the pity party only for the purpose of locating the target that you must hit in order to clear your path to a successful execution of your plan and thus your mission.  Quickly, shut down the pity party and get on with the business of doing that thing that you were called to do.  The pity party just wastes valuable time and you don’t have time to waste.