Author Archives: sisterintheshadow

Weathering the storms

Have you ever felt that you wee living in the eye of a storm? This week, I laughed with a couple of friends as we discussed how the timing of some circumstances in my life created a perfect storm.  Why did that make me laugh out loud?  I don’t know, but often I think I laugh to keep from crying.

It has been my experience that perfect storms arose when individual things or circumstances I deemed special, important, or potentially impactful in my life collectively seemed to be headed in a negative direction at the same time and in a relatively short period of time.  In general, the storm approached me like the torrential rain storms that came out of the Gulf of Mexico when I lived in the south.  The storms disturbed the peace of the coastal shores as they braced for an unpredictable weather front.  Unfortunately, I haven’t had the benefit of a weather person capable of predicting when personal storms would arise.  Even if there had been such a weather person warning me of life storm, the prediction would have been lacking footage of a prior front.  The prediction, like those of the weather person, would have failed in stating with certainty the total impact of the impending storm.

In the months leading up to July, I worked my way through wind and rain from the outside of the storm to the inner circle.  I experienced the strength of the elements the closer I got to the center.  I learned that it was called the eye because once I reached that point in when I faced all that it had to offer I had to stare it down.  My Big Mama used to say that you could see into the heart of the person through their eyes.  In the eye of a storm finding the heart of the matter aligned with her teaching.  My heart had to pull power from the storm in order to walk to the other side.  At the moment that I realized I was standing in the eye of the storm, the laughter came and allowed me to breathe and recalibrate.  Why cry when there was already so much water clouding my way?

My resistance to tears developed like a callous after years of use and abuse of emotions required to sustain me during chaotic and challenging life trials.  I think I opted for laughter over tears because the tears might have looked more like gut wrenching uncontrollable sobs most often associated with the emotional pain of loss or rejection.  If I couldn’t guarantee delicate streaming tears, my tear ducts had to remain blocked.  After a number of missteps over the last month or so, I sat down to reflect on the internal pressure I felt.  Maybe the pressure equaled the swelling of my suppressed tears or maybe I felt the internal battle being waged by my emotional regulator and the physiological energy it took to be me doing me.  This week I thought long and hard about me, my work, and the people and things I care about most.

I realized that saying “Oops” in my professional life proved less fatal in the context of taking corrective actions.  However, personal missteps proved more difficult to resolve.  Resolution presented more complexities because the injuries happened to friends and family members.  The blessing and the curse of humans came to be their connection to emotions as opposed to the emotionless processes or routine protocols in my professional life.  I couldn’t erase, edit, or rewrite hurt feelings or disappointment.  Life didn’t give me redo’s and my frustration was that my friends and family had no obligation to give me forgiveness, understanding, or a chance to reset my crazy life.

Accountability and explanations in the workplace are preferred and valued.  Ironically, friends and family sometimes interpret ownership and explanations as excuses and copouts.  If there is no benefit in apologizing or owning your mess, why apologize?  I am not sure why everyone else acknowledges their missteps, but I think processing things out loud helps me reset.  The need to reset comes with a risk of becoming vulnerable and transparent in front of people whose emotions come padded with judgment.  Accountability and ownership can reveal my fragile and imperfect self to that person staring at me with emotion and possibly judgment.  That moment for me is like standing in the eye of the storm.  In the eye of the storm, helplessness may be a realistic response.  Like standing in the eye of the storm, during the peak of my stormy life challenges, I have to deal with my perceives limits on my control of the situation.  There is concern that when I share my mess and verbally work through my personal storm I lose control and possibly subject myself to the unknown response to my truths.  The cool moment for me, however, is when I realize that at the moment I stare into the eye of the storm I can use its power to move through it to reach a new calm.  The storm can be the fuel for and the teacher that informs the next part of my journey.  I wish for myself and others that once the lesson is learned that repetition does not become the next teacher.

When I thought about my blog post topic for this week, this was not the topic.  I had a plan to write something light and bouncy, but I spent the day deciding how to move past the eye of my latest storm.  Some mediation, a nap, and a pedicure ended in this post.  I hope that someone will read this and be empowered.

DigiGirlz Rock!

I learned of the Microsoft DigiGirlz Camp several years ago.  It didn’t occur to me at that time that I would ever be a part of the camp experience.  It was no secret that I was outside of the target age range to be a camp attendee and my daughter outgrew her eligibility for registration for the camp many years ago.  So, I never explored the mission or methods of the DigiGirlz Camp before this year.

Before this year, I had a general understanding about the purpose of the camp and some of the topics presented to campers.  My limited knowledge did not make me curious about learning more in years past.  Instead, it took me back to memories of technology experiences I enrolled my kids in when they were younger.  When my daughter was in middle school, she attended what I think was a week long summer camp in the Midwest where the campers learned how to produce movies using computer software.   As I recalled, I also wrote a number of checks to pay for chess camps, software, and supplies for all of the projects that encouraged analytical thinking and scientific innovation.  I remembered the ladybug flashlight my daughter designed and built.  I chuckled about the extents that I took to ensure that someone with a technological background assisted her.  I bribed a church member with an engineering technology background to explain to her the purpose of each of the parts we purchased and explain to her why the parts had to be assembled in the manner explained
by the instructions.  Another time I bought some sort of wooden sticks for her and a high school friend to use when they entered a bridge building competition.  Their team name was “The Ballahs” which was pronounced ball-ahs which is slang for ballers, if you still missed it.

Several months ago, a representative from the local Microsoft office asked me if I would serve as a keynote speaker for the DigiGirlz Camp.  I read about the camp and observed the excitement building within the company as they discussed this event.  I was honored to join forces with Microsoft to educate, enlighten, and empower girls to explore technology related topics and experiences.  I spend every day doing something intentioned on inspiring young people so word “keynote” seemed to formal and too grown up for the hour I would spend with the girls doing what I do every day.  I did, however, love the description of my presentation as “motivational.”

I’m not sure the girls had any idea what a “keynote” address even meant and it was my guess that if a “keynote” anything was an option outside of this event they wouldn’t have chosen to attend.  “Keynote” felt overused.  It reminded me of conferences I have attended that have a number of keynote addresses and speakers.  I guess the word was supposed to make me standout as a special person whose message deserved to be heard.  The internal challenge for me was that my voice and words only would have meaning if the girls wanted to listen and if the girls gave me permission to speak.  Minimizing my role by thinking of my time with them as one in service to uplift and empower gave the power back to the campers (or at least it did in my head.)  Although the itinerary said “Keynote” I aimed to prevent myself from being caught up in the “Keynote” status.  I envisioned the word as an amazing platform upon which to stand and deliver words of affirmation, historical framework for women in science, and five things the girls could remember that would help them be successful in life.  This platform enabled my message to project around the circular room and each of the girls to see my excitement about their potential to achieve and overcome on their journey to attain their dreams.  Gratitude and humility filled my space as I realized the opportunity that had been gifted to me.

Most often my student presentations are geared toward college students ages seventeen to twenty-three.  I hoped the younger campers would get my humor and comedic timing.  They did.  I also wondered if they would recognize images of a typewriter, an outhouse, and pay phones.  They did.  In contrast to the dated technology, I presented futuristic devices used in the movie Black Panther that were invented by Princess Shuri.  I wondered if they would enjoy the hearing Princess Shuri introduce her brother to her new inventions.  They did.  I wondered if they would care to let me read a book to them about the life the first Black female aviator in the world, Bessie Coleman.  Would they like being read to like the elementary school children I’ve read to in the past.  They did.  Finally, I wondered if they would enjoy making paper airplanes as takeaways and reminders of the need to dream.  They did!

Every encounter with young people should be an opportunity for grown folks to learn.  Here are a few things I learned from the girls:

  1. Grace reminded me that it is smart to only communicate or connect with people online who you have actually met.
  2. Young people enjoy hearing stories about your youth.
  3. Young people love grown folks who are transparent and not afraid to reveal their own imperfections.
  4. Young people like it when grown people give them a chance to speak out loud about their dreams without judging them or their dreams.
  5. Young people enjoy laughter as much as I do.

Here are the five tools I gave the girls to help them live their dreams:

  1. Be yourself!
  2. Stay in school!
  3. Build a village of encouragers!
  4. Be alright being the first to do something cool!
  5. Keep dreaming!

Preparation for the DigiGirlz Camp stretched me to organize my thoughts and my presentation in a way that would be Straightforward, Timely, Educational, Age-appropriate, and Motivational.  Showing up for anything whether you are the presenter or the attendee is a risk.  I am so thankful that I said yes to the opportunity and that the girls took the risk of showing up for the camp.  I am not certain that all of the girls will choose a career in technology, but I have no doubt that their two day camp experience will pay dividends by boosting their confidence, broadening their exposure to the diversity of opportunities in the field, and expanding their network of supportive adult professionals who can guide them as they make choices about their studies and careers.  DigiGirlz Rock!

My Birthday Evolution

In my youth, I started the discussions about an upcoming birthday months before my birthday actually arrived.  In my mind, a birthday was the next best holiday to Christmas.  Each year, I promoted my next birthday to my family ensuring that nobody would forget.  As a youngster, I made certain that at least my parents and my older brother understood the expectation of the gift that should accompany the happy birthday wish.  Interestingly, my children did the same.  As I approach my next birthday, this childhood ritual makes me chuckle and think about the evolution of my birthday experiences.

As a child, I think I wanted everyone to recognize that there was significance to me getting a year older.  My childlike thought process equated getting older to being grown and in charge of my life.  Grown was a status worthy of attainment if it meant independence from the control of the grown folks in my village.  Grown status excited me and I think most children are excited about getting a year older.  Heck, most children and their parents count age in months until the age of two after which the half year designations begin. Have you ever heard a child say “I am seven and a half?”  I laughed with my son last week as we considered at what age people stop pronouncing their ages in units of half years.  We had just seen a commercial in which the commercial mom said her son was “fourteen and a half.”  Neither of us had ever heard anyone over the age of ten or eleven use a half year so this company failed the reality test for us.  Their failure is probably the reason why I can’t remember their brand.

Ironically, one of the birthdays I remembered was my tenth birthday.  I got a new wallet and my parents put ten dollars in it.  Ten dollars was a lot of money.  That memory raised another question for me: When did my parents stop giving me a dollar per year of life?  As I reflect, two other birthdays celebrations come to mind, but I can’t remember my ages, but I think both happened under the age of ten.  One party was in the backyard at my house.  I was allowed to invite some close friends from school who lived in my neighborhood and some cousins.  My father grilled hot dogs and filled the plastic pool with water.  It wasn’t called a “pool” party because the pool was more for wading and cooling off on a hot summer day in Alabama.  Another party that I recalled was a sleepover at the house.  I invited a less than ten girls over.  I don’t really remember all that we did that night, but I bet we did a lot of giggling and watching television until the local station played the national anthem and shut down for the night.  One of my childhood friends who attended the sleepover reminded me, during a conversation several years ago, that mother cooked homemade pancakes for us the morning after the sleepover.  I can’t remember having a birthday party after ten, but I got my learner’s permit to drive at fifteen and my driver’s license the following year.

Well, as I approach my next birthday, my thoughts have included feelings of thankfulness for the gift of another year of life and more appreciation for opportunities to connect with family and friends.  In my reflective moments, I have found myself working to focus on my abilities and how to use abilities and opportunities to achieve goals and dreams while I can.  Unlike my childhood self who looked forward to being grown, the adult, middle-aged me recognized how fast the years have gone and how much I wished I could have accomplished in the years I was gifted.  I have battled to make the former adult wish the dominant focus in order to maintain a positive perspective of the latter.  I decided that the lack of life experience in my childhood was actually a blessing.  There was something about not knowing what I didn’t know that kept my dreams alive.  In my adulthood, I have learned that life experiences, if allowed, can put a damper on what should be a celebration of life itself.

Since the age of forty, I have intentionally planned things to do to keep my spirits up as I reflect on past decisions, unexplained outcomes, fruitless pursuits, and the unknown situations ahead.  I usually plan some type of nail appointment, a short excursion, or time with family and friends.  This year, I waited too late to schedule my nail appointment, but the week was not without fun times.

Twice this week I spent time with some of fellows visiting Reno as a part of the Nelson Mandela Fellows Program.  A few weeks ago I talked them about ways that I found to help me sustain my visions.  Collectively, the fellows encouraged me to continue using stories to encourage, enlighten, and empower.  It was the individual and small group time with fellows this week that gave me the positive, affirming thoughts I needed as I approached another birthday.  Tuesday evening I shared a meal with a fellow who talked about her life as a wife, mother, and entrepreneur.  She compared my warmth to the early days of Oprah.  She explained that many of them wanted to spend more time getting to know me because they were touched and inspired by my personal and transparent talk about the varied intersections of my life.  I told her that hearing about her methodical pursuits to attain her ultimate dream encouraged me.  We talked about parenting and the balance of work and family.  Our time together affirmed me that there was benefit in me taking the risk of telling my truths in order to uplift others or to provide a guide for them on things to avoid on their way to greatness.  She appreciated the support and advice and assured me that others wanted to maintain communication with me in order to interact with someone who they believed was sincere.

Later in the week, I had dinner with a small group of fellows and friends.  When I entered the house, four of them greeted me with excited smiles and the giddiness of children.  I looked forward to visiting with them and I considered them the honored guest of our community so their demonstrated respect and excitement for seeing me was shocking.  I learned that because of my presentation one of them wanted to start a blog and another fellow shared my picture and blog with his girlfriend back home who wanted to write.  I also learned that my presentation that was lacking the expected powerpoint gave power to my voice.  They said that I engaged them because my comments came from my heart and without a script.  Ironically, my purpose was fulfilled because they were uplifted and inspired because of my flaws, challenges, mistakes, and successes.  Their inspired work inspired me.  Their youthful energy and innovative risks encouraged me to evaluate my life in terms of how my maturity and opportunity can expand my scope and territory.  This week I was reminded that when I gave of my gifts and talents to others without any expectation to receive back from them I felt the greatest blessing.

Life has also taught me that there is much to learn from youthful members of the global community.  Moreover, life has taught me that exposure to the elders honors our past and should inform our future.  A few weeks ago I read that the Blind Boys of Alabama would be in concert here this week.  A friend gave me a couple of tickets and another bucket list experience happened.  I grew up in Alabama and the Blind Boys of Alabama were home state celebrities and living testaments of folks who overcame.  Their testimonies of resiliency and faith rooted in a God who “opened doors that their blind eyes could not see” charged my body that was running on fumes that day.  I didn’t go home after work that day because I knew that I might not convince myself to get back into the car to ride to the concert venue.  Once I saw them filing onto the stage, my soul thanked the rest of me for putting mind over matter.

I needed to sit under the teaching of the Blind Boys of Alabama.  Their soulful and soul felt vocals accompanied by Paul Thornton’s band fed my soul and lifted my spirit.  This group has been singing longer than I have been alive.  They have lost and added members yet maintained the passion, purpose, and professionalism their audiences expected.  Clearly, the call to minister to a global community came from a heavenly source because most of us humans would have never believed that a group of Black men from the south who were blind could make a living singing old spirituals and hymns.

The consistency and commitment to their calling modeled for me the potential for continuing in years of service using just what God has given you to use in service.  They sang the lyrics “You got to move” in one song and “I shall not be moved” in the next song.  I laughed because both directives were true in order to sustain a vision and find purpose every year of your life.  I’ve heard people say that “what you don’t use, you lose” so I guess that’s why “you got to move.”  You got to move the dial on your self-imposed limitations.  You got to move the negative, disaffirming, and unproductive people and thoughts from your space.  You got to move toward productivity, goal setting, and performance of the things you say you love to do and are equipped to do.

You “should not be moved” when people and things infuse nonsense and distractors into your world in an effort to derail your plan or to create detours designed to take you off of the route that is your destined course.  You should stay the course and “not be moved” even when life presents physical challenges.  You “should not be moved” even when you believe your humility in service is taken for granted.  You “should not be moved” by the inability of others to fully understand your challenges or your continued efforts to pursue your calling.

I watched and later met men who have weathered some storms in their lives with humility and gratefulness.  I didn’t get to meet Jimmy Carter from Birmingham, but his energetic spirit coupled with his wit took me back South.  Their harmony reminded me of pray meetings during revivals and funeral in the country when churches had wooden floors.  Mama used to say the parishioners were “patting their hand and their feet.”  The Blind Boys of Alabama aided my virtual journey back home to a time when life was simple and people relied on the harmonious relationship of God, person, family, and community.  Like the peace experienced when we indulge in the basics of life without distractions and noise in our periphery, the harmonies of their voices held their own against the band that competed for air space.  Their messages of hope and faith resonated with me and modeled for me that your message and service can be received even when you are distracted or challenged.

Last year brought challenge in my life and I am pretty sure that this year won’t be without challenge.  I am thankful this year for the time spent with young African entrepreneurs who have succeeded despite challenging lives and the Blind Boys of Alabama whose challenges I don’t believe I will ever completely know or understand.  I was thankful that Ricky McKinnie and Benjamin Moore took time to sign my CD, take a picture with me, and talk about being from the South.  Benjamin touched my heart with his promise to shout out to Montgomery on my behalf when they “roll through” that city again. Ricky and I talked about being July birthday buddies.  I thanked them for bringing a taste of home to the West Coast. I wished them a safe journey and let them know they were welcomed to return to our city to perform again whenever their scheduled permitted.

I hope that as you move through your days doing the things that you claim to love doing you will embrace the teaching moments presented by those you think you are helping or serving.  Be ready for the sarcasm and humor that life might hand to you at times that you don’t expect to be entertained or taught anything at all.

 

It’s a good thing that we are all made differently

When my daughter was four or five months old, I became a dorm mother to forty-nine boys who were boarding students at an all male preparatory school.  Forty-one of the boys were ninth graders ranging in age from thirteen to fifteen.  The other eight were high school seniors ranging in age from seventeen to nineteen.  Until my life’s journey introduced me to the McCallie School, I thought that boarding schools existed for purposes of good television as depicted in “The Facts of Life.”

At twenty-six years old, I moved into the dorm.  I happened to be the only dorm mother of color on the campus (and the only one of color in the history of the school).  At twenty-six, I had the energy of an older sibling of the boarding students.  My youthful energy paired well with the life experiences of a southern girl raised by a post integration public school system.  My integration into the more privileged communities in my hometown came courtesy of Brown versus Board of Education and school busing.  My integration into the world of boarding schools communities came courtesy of my husband’s job opportunity.  In both settings, differences in lifestyles, in life experiences, and economic opportunities presented as clearly as the fact that I was the only woman with a permanent tan living amidst a community of boarding students.

I learned that even when the differences were readily apparent, the decision to allow the differences to distract or divide remained in my control.  I also learned that the practice of allowing differences to divide communities often seemed to be a learned behavior taught by folks who were insecure about themselves or who believed the difference challenged their perceived position of power or who had some emotional or physical injury that barred them from moving into a place of forgiveness.  It has been my experience that the folks who used differences to distract and divide had forgotten that ALL people had the same creator.  They forgot that we were not clones of one another. In my opinion, the differences were intended to be beneficial not detrimental to the development or success of communities.

I have always enjoyed interactions with young people more than adults because young people, in general, carried less baggage and pre-programming than grown folks.  Young people generally welcomed guidance from anyone with a genuine concern for their interests and their safety.  Young people liked folks who made them, their needs, and their development priorities.  I found that regardless of the age, socioeconomic group, or cultural demographic, exposure informed the thoughts and actions of young people.  The really cool finding for me was that my exposure to differences in the students with who I lived and worked informed my thoughts and directed some intentional behaviors on my part.

Once my daughter told me that I was easily entertained like a little child.  I laughed and agreed.  For many years, comments like this on from other grown folks felt like a backhanded compliment.  Later, I realized that more grown folks need to be more like children.  We need to recognize our lack of expertise in any and every subject.  We also need to approach differences in our work, community, or friend circles with the innocent curiosity of a child.  Differences can enhance communities and produce healthier intersections of identities if grown people could be like children and approach the differences with open minds, transparency, a willingness to accept people without focusing on the differences.  Our communities would be enhanced if we found a way to focus on how our personal differences add value to those we encounter or how our personal differences enhance the overall experiences of others.  Maya Angelou got it right when she said, “We are more alike than we are different.”  We will not discover how we are more alike until we manage how we avoid making our differences barriers.

The boys at the boarding school thought of me more as a mom than a dorm mother serving as a place holder for a position simply because I married a man who was the dormitory head.  The boys felt more like biological sons than place holders for empty beds that needed to be filled.  Staying aware of their fundamental needs meant that I had discussions with them about wellness, overcoming family challenges, grades, decision making in social settings, dreams, career goals, and educational pursuits.

Since that time, I began a career as a student services professional and I encourage students to view differences as opportunities to learn about others.  I remind students that noticeable and self-disclosed differences should also gift us opportunities to teach others about ourselves.  My ability to accept that differences give us opportunities to learn and to teach.  As students or teachers we need to to leave the differences in the periphery.  Tunnel vision makes the object of our focus the fundamental things or needs which should mean that we will be forced to use the differences to the advantage of the whole.  This understanding and practice builds lasting relationships, good memories resulting from exposures differences from what we knew as normal, and feelings of affirmation and support that uplift.

Sustaining your vision (Part 2)

Last year I spent time with campus visitors who were a part of the Nelson Mandela Fellows Program.  The group was comprised of some of the brightest, innovative minds from Africa.  This summer the program returned to our campus and I was fortunate to be asked to engage with the fellows again.  One of the program coordinators told me that the topic of my conversation would be “Sustaining your vision” again this summer.  I thought about how my conversation might differ this year from last year’s conversation. (https://sisterintheshadow.com/sustaining-your-vision/ ) I learned that I grew over the last year because my list of ways to sustain a vision included more suggestions.

Through my journey, I learned that I needed the support of other folks to be “successful.”  In addition to that lesson, I shared the following:

  1. Receive the voices of others who believe in your ability to achieve your vision.  I started my blog because someone else told me to do it after she decided that my voice needed to be heard.  After I heard the same sentiment from another lady, I continued to write.  I made more investments of time and resources into the blog after learning from another person or two that my words resonated with them because of the transparency and relevancy to common people.
  2. Embrace the constructive criticism and guidance from experts in your field or mentors with demonstrated concern for your professional and personal development.
  3. Accept coaching from your mentors and partners in your field.
  4. Develop the ability to engage in self-reflection which leads to self-awareness.
  5. Do not fear exploring new directions to contribute to the audience that is best suited for your offering.
  6. Own your decisions and the outcomes that follow from those choices.  Accountability is key to your success.
  7. Work hard to learn something from every experience.  Being the person who knows everything is not attractive and it means you fail at humility.
  8. Be humble.  Humility is not demonstrated by telling folks that you are humble, but by doing the thing that you are gifted to do regardless of the reward.  Humble people use their special gift for the benefit of the community simply because the community will be enhanced.
  9. Remember the lessons that are foundational in your life.  My lessons were taught by my parents: a. you can make somebody’s world better every day and b. you should leave things better than when you found them.  I work to apply these lessons to my encounters with students or with situations that impact students every day.
  10. Find the thing you are passionate about doing and do that thing as often as you can.  I told them to be excited about the trifecta of finding the thing, being allowed to practice that thing, and getting paid to do the thing you love to do.

The responses from the fellows surprised me.  Many fellows commented that my conversation made them feel emotional.  I knew that much of the information I shared was from my heart.  I told a story of my journey that happened to be filled with rides on the figurative emotional rollercoaster.  I pride myself in being an excellent storyteller and their responses confirmed that my stories projected the heartfelt concern that I have for my audiences.  We talked about the loneliness of leadership and the fear that comes with being judged when you become transparent in front of a community, local or global.  Some fellows shared their personal stories of loss of family members while other shared stories of separation from family in their search of a dream they believed would improve the station of their families and their communities.  I enjoyed encouraging one writer to return to blogging on her terms and be encouraged by two other writers who have published more than one book.  I think was all agreed that there was benefit to living out our passions for the benefits of our communities even if we found only one person who benefits from our work.  I hope that each member of my audience will use one or more of these tools to sustain a vision.

History repeated itself again!

I think I have been on adrenaline for several months.  I have certainly been on adrenaline the last few weeks.  I attended a graduation on the east coast in May.  The following day, I attended a graduation on the west coast.  Today, the tiredness of the school year and the chaos of my life visited me.  I found myself so exhausted that I thought of going to bed at least four or five times today.

Last year, I wrote a blog post called, “Hung Over Again” (https://sisterintheshadow.com/hung-over-again/).  The year prior I wrote a post called, “Hung Over.”  Every year I recognize my inability to perfectly balance work and life.  Despite my awareness, I find myself living out the old adage that “history repeats itself.”

I woke this morning and changed my routine.  Instead of writing, I went for a long walk, ate breakfast, answered a few emails, saw a matinee, and met a friend for lunch.  Tomorrow I will get up before the rest of the house and do more writing.  Tonight I will give in to the call to slumber that will fuel my spirit and body for another week.  I don’t always do a good job of listening to my body.  I tend to force it to do more than I should.  I hope that you will find time today and tomorrow to listen to your body and let it guide you to make healthier decisions.

Perspectives on interviews and supervision

Photo by rawpixel

The interview process varies from industry to industry and from organization to organization even within the same industry. While there are some differences, there are many commonalities.  This week I attended a workshop in which we were asked to sit in assigned seats at round table.  Each small group was instructed throughout the workshop to read a prompt and engage in conversations responsive to the prompts.  I thought the topics of the prompts insightful dialogue in my group that might benefit folks outside of that space.  The workshop inspired me to write this blog post.

One of the prompts asked those of us who have served as hiring managers in the past to explain to our colleagues what things were most important to us when we considered hiring a person for a vacant position.  I told the group about being disappointed when candidates did the following:

  1. Expressed a greater interest in the city or region than the position itself.  In general, those candidates also engage the community members who participated in the process in conversations related to a plethora of topics, none of which directly related to job description.  As a hiring manager, I wanted to believe that the candidates in the process were passionate about the work and the opportunities to serve the community, especially the students, at a high level of professionalism and integrity.
  2. Failed to the requirements of the job when asked direct questions related to the position or when given opportunities to ask questions of community members.  We talked about how a lack of commitment or passion for the tasks and responsibilities needed to successfully perform the job might influence hiring decisions.  Even if the personalities and specific skill sets of the employees varied, the job description remained the same.  The consensus was that there was generally a greater likelihood that a candidate without demonstrated passion, commitment, and purpose for a job would not have a high degree of job satisfaction or tolerance in the work environment.

Another question asked was what questions do you ask during an interview and why?  I said that one of my favorite questions was not a question.  It was a statement.  I asked candidates to “Tell me about your favorite boss or supervisor.”  Over the years, I have enjoyed watching candidates comb through their mental files to identify their best boss or supervisor.  The candidates were asked to also explain how that person enhanced them personally and professionally.  Most often, once a candidate has identified the favorite leader a smile emerges.  The candidates described their favorite supervisors or bosses as supportive, flexible, considerate, respectful of their professional abilities, respectful of their personal lives, and encouraging.  Sometimes the responses revealed other characteristics of the candidate or their prior work environment sometimes added to the considerations factored into making the ultimate hiring decision.

In discussing favorite bosses, I thought of my favorite bosses.  There were two who came to mind.  The first served as my division chief and he called me “Mrs. Thomas” most of time.  He stood about 6’3.”  His voice was somewhere between a tenor and a baritone when he sort of sang my name in long syllables when he acknowledged me: “/Mizzes Tom mus/.”  He always wore suits with coordinated ties, cuff links, handkerchiefs, and polished shoes.  He only governed with a few rules.  The department proved to be an efficient and productive department.  Less was more and most of the staff respected his mantras that reminded us that we “didn’t have to make a lot of noise to get the job done.”  His leadership style promoted the use of analytical curiosities to learn and evaluate the facts of each case. His rules suited my style because I was permitted to work independently and demonstrate that I was capable of using good judgment in case management.

My reflective moment also reminded me of my most recent supervisor who led with kindness, composure, humor, and wisdom.  Our relationship began with doubt and a lack of trust on my part.  He never said if he had any expectations of me or opinions about me when he met me and I never asked.  Despite my suspicions, I shared my frustrations with what felt to me like a stagnant professional journey.  I told him about my confusion about my professional trek and my need for someone to tell me what I needed to do to better prepare myself for senior leadership.  I don’t think he ever expected that type of brutal honesty, but he respected me for my willingness to allow him a peek into the staff member he would supervise for a determined period.  In my mind, our relationship challenged me because I had coach him through some of his job responsibilities and provide intel about the culture of certain teams.  I felt like the student and the teacher some days.  I recognized that he had a level of maturity and experience in the field that benefited me if he understood things sooner than later.  It behooved me to be an excellent follower focused on learning from a master.  His mastery of many things became a model for excellence in servant leadership.  He taught me that “Heroics have limits” which meant a few things: 1. There was only so much I could do to rectify any situation, 2. I should use my leave and take vacations because pace and recovery extend my life in many ways, and 3. I worked too much and didn’t have enough work-life balance.

Both of my favorite bosses encouraged me to be my authentic, transparent, opinionated self.  Both of them got my wicked and often sarcastic humor.  They protected the spaces during our meetings allowing me to share freely and to ask probing questions.  Their leadership styles affirmed the qualities that others made character flaws.  My favorite bosses were not intimidated by my presence, my professional development, or my determination.  They also praised the compassion, empathy, and integrity that loomed in the midst of the loud social being that is me.  They celebrated my growth and motivated me to build a network of mentors and partners in the local community and the professional community at large.  I have had a some awful bosses, but these two men were awesome.  I work very hard as a leader to be more like them. I can only hope that those under my leadership string together some favorable nouns to describe our relationship other than boss or supervisor.

Hearing candidates recite characteristics in their favorite bosses that promote positivity and productivity gifts me wisdom from their bosses who I may never meet.  I hope that my audience will prepare well for interviews.  The well-prepared candidate should be able to confidently communicate their passion for the work they purport to be the primary reason that they do the work they do every day.  Furthermore, I hope that my audience will seize opportunities to evaluate the type of leader they prefer to lead their departments then apply that standard if they become a supervisor or boss.

Self-awareness: a critical practice for leaders

In the last six months, I learned some of the benefits of self-awareness.  I learned that it was not enough to be self-aware, but that the awareness had to promote actions specifically targeted at addressing the challenges, limitations, curiosities, or strengths revealed after gaining awareness.

In the last six months, I also learned that self-awareness came natural for me, but appeared to be a skill absent in the lives of man.  I have watched folks spend a great deal of time and energy doing one or more of the following: blaming others, employing guilt or shame tactics toward others, making routine efforts to force others to accept and promote their ideas, and deflecting responsibilities for their circumstances on others.  I decided that their behaviors resulted from an inability or failure to be self-aware.  Again, I realized that self-awareness was not a human characteristic handed out equally by the Almighty.  Self-awareness, in my mind, only became a life skill when a person was given opportunities to practice the skill. My village of parents, close friends, and mentors never allowed me to miss opportunities to consider my efforts or my shortcomings that contributed to my outcomes.  In the last six months, I found myself frustrated by folks whose villagers never trained them in the practice of self-awareness.  Instead of the villager establishing an expectation of self-reflection that leads to self-awareness, the village accepted or created excuses for the apparent lack of preparedness, the lack of production, the lack of execution, or the lack of passion and gratitude for the privilege to stand in the moment.  There appeared to be a lack of curiosity evidenced by resistance to coaching or efforts to delve deeper into purported areas interest or the irritating stench of arrogance that oozed with entitlement.  There was a sort of codependency between the unaware and the enabling villager that led to the need for coddling and protectiveness that ignored the negative impacts of erecting these shields.  The placement of these shields inevitably had a negative impact on the person and the community.  When I got to the crux of the observations, the common thread was a lack of self-awareness.

Here are the things I know now about self-awareness:

  1. Self-awareness demands accountability for and ownership of your own mess.
  2. Self-awareness derives some type of response after there is ownership of your actions, missteps, or strengths.
  3. A self-aware person recognizes that each action or behavior involves a decision and a choice. The person chooses to seek ways to increase their knowledge or find ways to improve their skill sets. The person could also find ways to contribute in a differently to the situation or the person could opt to find ways to avoid any situation that challenges them or exposes blindspots.

As I write this, I am struck with another question: Where is the line between the person absent self-awareness and the person who is self-aware yet chooses passive-aggressive, bullying tactics to cover insecurities?  Hmmm.

That question will inform my work and thoughts this coming week.  I will explore this question with my peers and mentors.  I believe that each of us needs to spend time in self-reflection on a regular basis in order to attain this goal of self-awareness.  I think we each should explore our life circumstances to determine how our behaviors contributed might have to our circumstance.  If it is determined that I didn’t control or contribute to the outcome, I consider whether there was anything I could have done to change my current circumstance for the better.  Sometimes I have found that my situation might have been different if I had done something differently like studied more, chosen my words more carefully, or trusted someone else more skilled in the area than me to contribute.  I learned that self-awareness requires at least two things on a personal level – honesty and fewer actions grounded in prideful, self-centered decisions.

The process of becoming self-aware can give rise to varied emotions that may actually be the reason many folks avoid the realities of self-awareness.  I encourage you to reflect and let others support you in the journey to self-awareness.  I encourage you to find a method of self-reflection that frees you to open up and share your innermost thoughts and possible responses.  I use journaling and my weekly blog posts to self-reflection.  I use conversations with a few family members, a handful of friends, and mentors to evaluate many of my life situations to promote self-awareness.  The journey continues to help me find more comfort in uncomfortable moments.  I have developed more coping skills to enhance my communication skills and my ability to build more meaningful relationships.  I have also experienced personal and professional developmental that reminds me that life learning is a good thing.  I have also overcome fears, insecurities, and limitations because I am courageous enough to reflect and become more self-aware. I hope that more folks, especially those in leadership roles, will choose self-reflection and become more self-aware.

Some things are worth repeating

Some days I have wondered if my mom had crazy dreams in her youth that other folks thought were outlandish.  My guess was that young women, especially Black girls, in her day weren’t encouraged to dream outside of the predetermined categories established by someone other than the young women.  Those who were lucky enough to have access to higher education knew that they were expected to be teachers, nurses, secretaries, and librarians.  I believed that Mama had a calling on her life to teach because she dedicated more than forty years to educating students.  While I don’t think that Mama chose her profession because of societal pressures, I always knew that she had awareness that for many women their futures, their lifestyles, and their trades were greatly influenced by expectations of others.  She never said that young women in her day were coached to conform to societal norms and select career fields that supported life as a mother, caretaker, or teacher, but that was my perception.

Mama was a caring, pensive woman whose quiet spirit was often mistaken for passiveness or weakness.  I realized in my adult life that wise and thoughtful also defined her being.  When I finally settles on law school and a legal career, Mama encouraged my decision.  She also advised me to “get all of the education I thought I wanted” as soon after college as possible.  In her wisdom, she offered this sage advice because it had been her experience that “marriage and children will change everything for you.”  I weighed her statements and considered what felt like a contradiction between her advice and  the “you can be anything you want to be” speeches that I heard from her and Daddy.

Mama and Daddy dreamed of life beyond their rural upbringings and they wanted me to envision possibilities of life outside of the lines drawn by other folks too.  They used to remind me of the power in using my brain for dreaming and thinking. As much as they promoted dreaming, it seemed there was just mere tolerance of my dreams of being a dancer, an actress, an interior decorator, and a speech writer.  This type of tolerance provided an introduction to the experience of feeling resistance to my out of the box thinking and risks.  It was not until more recent years, however, that I really got alright with the fact that I imagined and attempted things others believed impossible or improbable.

Mama and Daddy used historical events and people from our past to prove to me that societal norms and other humans working to set limitation for me shouldn’t be viewed as insurmountable barriers to me being my best me.  They taught me about George Washing Carver who developed countless products with peanuts and sweet potatoes.  We talked about Shirley Chisholm, the first Black woman to run for president of the United States of America.  The history lessons recounted stories of people who overcame external influences that likely came with feelings of doubt and anxiety.  Additionally, the history lessons highlighted some of the villagers who moved through history alongside the notable dreamers.

Mama and Daddy had overcome obstacles to earn degrees, integrate public schools, and exercise their rights to vote to name a few things they overcame.  They were my best examples of the benefits of keeping dreams alive and building supportive villages around us and our children.  I learned that young people need affirmation, exposure to varied uplifting experiences, and folks focused on being positive, supportive, and protective.  I hope that my readers will acknowledge the blessing of young people and the blessing of nurturing their capacity for dreaming.  Grown folks need to present opportunities that will challenge young people intellectually and artistically while keeping in mind their physical and mental health.  As a parent and villager, I sometimes wonder how am doing.  I don’t keep score, but if I did how would my village keeper score card measure “wins” and “loses?” Did I protect them from the boogeymen?  Did I equip them to maneuver through mazes built by the man? Will they be ready to utilize wisdom I shared as strength to stand and plan their moves to the next thing or dream?

Mama was right that life can change your course.  Daddy was right that in theory I had the ability to be whatever I wanted to be, but have a backup plan built into the plan just in case life does change your course.  The common thread in both truths is that life gives us a chance to keep dreaming, keep living, and keep moving.  Embrace their lessons for yourself and become an excellent villager for a young person who needs you to educate, empower, and enlighten them with stories of dreamers who overcame.

 

 

 

 

 

Simply amazed!

After a very long weekend last week, I returned to work and enjoyed many opportunities to share stories about the adventure that included two commencement exercises in less than twenty-four hours.  My children made me proud last week and left me reflecting with amazement about the milestones they accomplished.

  • I was amazed that neither of them love to read book in the leisure even though I read some kind of book to them almost every day from birth until the oldest one started middle school.  Back then, they loved our reading time.  Somehow I thought their childhood love for listening to me read would translate to anticipation of the next best seller.  I thought wrong.
  • I was amazed, however, that reading to them stimulated their curiosities and imaginations in ways I couldn’t predict in their youth.  Their mental development prompted curiosity about people, culture, the ares, and their academic fields of interest.  I learned that my motivations and intentions for reading to them were too narrow.  Time spent with them fortified our relationships and fortified their foundational tools for experiential learning and academic pursuits.
  • I was amazed that I didn’t realize when they were young that the younger would earn his high school diploma in the same year that the older earned her college degree.  The age gap seemed perfect until I had to mail two sets of announcements and find ways to acknowledge each of them for the noteworthy accomplishment.
  • I was amazed yet again by my children when we realized that they somehow found a way to once again earn degrees in the same year.  This time they couldn’t do me the favor of a few weeks to recover between commencement exercises.  With a light-hearted delivery laced with what felt like a smile and a giggle through the phone, my daughter said something like, “You know we both graduate in the same year again, but this time one day apart.”
  • I was amazed that we found a way to celebrate the graduate degree being conferred on the east coast on a Friday afternoon and then the conferring of the bachelors degree on the west coast Saturday morning.  I was one proud mama.
  • I was amazed about the wonderful potential of my children. Experiencing their journeys has always given me hope for other young people.  My daughter once told me something like she believed that I seemed to believe e that all kids could do amazing things.  Amazingly, she was right.  Every day students amaze me and spur me to dream for them and dream along with them.
  • I was amazed that childlike excitement was realistic for a middle-aged woman like me for as many times as it was required for me to celebrate accomplishments of any child.  I found that my emotions ran the gamut from giddy, hand clapping to tears of joy to shouts of joy rivaled the hallelujahs in a Black Baptist  church down south.

If you haven’t been amazed by a young person recently, adjust the frequency of the sounds around you in order to give their voices a chance to be heard.  Consider adjusting your attitude about the youth in your community so that you can see them in a positive light.  If you still can’t find a reason to be amazed by young people, adjust your position and your attitude because the issue is likely yours alone.  I really want you to experience the sheer amazement of standing in the presence of our children.  Be amazed.  Celebrate them and share the narrative that uplifts.